Compendium
by MisfitKitten
Summary: A series of one-shots about Persona 3. 'Ships implied, but not the main focus. Chapter 9 - How sweet it is.
1. Chapter 1: Recipe for Disaster

Recipe for Disaster

It was rare to find all 10 members of SEES in the dorm at the same time. Junpei was always at the hospital visiting Chidori until she kicked him out. When Akihiko wasn't training (which was nearly every day), he and Shinjiro could be found arguing over beef bowls at Hagakure. Mitsuru lived at school, Yukari lived at Paulownia Mall, and Makoto had his hands full dealing with Elizabeth's sudden urge to see "his world". Guess persona fusing would have to wait until later.

As he arrived at the dorm later that evening, still chuckling to himself at the image of Elizabeth sprinting up the down escalator, Makoto found himself being yanked to the floor. Junpei, Akihiko, and Shinjiro were all hiding behind the couch. Well, two of them were – Shinjiro looked as if he was already tired of the situation and had a magazine over his face, attempting to take a nap.

"You got back just in time, dude!" Junpei whispered. That's right – Junpei had been grinning like an idiot at school today about something he'd overheard. Makoto was about to tell him he needed to be a badass when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Oh, it's just Ai-chan." Junpei sighed as the others collapsed onto the furniture.

Makoto scrutinized him with his one visible eye. "Junpei, are you sure you heard correctly?"

"I was sitting right behind Yuka-tan while she was gabbing away on her phone. Fuuka-chan's going to cook us some food! FREE FOOD!"

"It's just that Fuuka's cooking...well, her cooking's kind of...uh..."

"Yamagishi's cooking will kill you." Shinjiro finished. Makoto could imagine his grimace underneath the magazine – which coincidentally enough, depicted food.

"Jeez, Shinji!" Akihiko admonished him. "You'd think a master chef like you'd know how to sugarcoat something."

"Ikutsuki would like that one." Makoto muttered, but it went unnoticed.

The magazine fell to the floor. "What was that, Aki?"

"I'm just saying, if you think you can do better, why don't you?"

"I ain't cooking for your ungrateful ass! You'd just ruin it with that protein shit." Shinjiro waved the magazine in Akihiko's face. "When's the last time you had an actual vegetable?"

Akihiko swiped the magazine and crushed it in his hand. "How'd you like to **be** a vegetable?"

Makoto shook his head. _These are our senpai._ he thought. Out loud, he wondered, "So, why are we hiding?"

Junpei sighed. "That's what Fuuka-chan was calling Yuka-tan about! It's supposed to be a surprise. We're not supposed to know, so I don't want them to know that we already know. You know?"

"No."

"Tch." Shinjiro picked up the magazine again and threatened to hit Makoto with it. "Cut it out, Yuki. He's been going on about this for hours and if you make him start it up again, I'll make sure the both of you eat nothing but Yamagishi's cooking for the rest of the year!"

"I still think we're sitting here for nothing. Fuuka came in over an hour ago." Akihiko started to explain, "She went upstairs to get Yukari, they argued for a bit, and then they both went back upstairs. That was 15 minutes ago."

"So they went to get Mitsuru." Shinjiro suggested.

The others burst into laughter. "To get Mitsuru?" Akihiko barely managed to get out. "Look, I know you've been gone for a while, Shinji, but... _ **Mitsuru? Cooking?**_ **"** He fell back onto the couch holding his sides as his laughter died down.

"How long do you think it would take them to thaw out?" asked Makoto.

"Fuuka-chan's smaller...maybe 20 minutes?" Junpei offered. Just then, they heard a door open and close and more footsteps from upstairs. "They're coming! Quick, we gotta hide!"

"Wasn't that what we were just-" Makoto began, but before he could finish, Junpei had tugged him in the direction of the boys' bathroom.

"This is bullshit." Shinjiro muttered, but he grabbed Akihiko by the scruff of the neck anyway and started dragging him.

"Aigis!" Akihiko managed as he struggled against his friend. "We aren't here, and you haven't seen us all day...okay?"

"Understood." replied Aigis as the door slammed shut.

* * *

Status report: Iwatodai dorm secure.

The time is approximately 17:00 hours.

SEES members present: Aragaki Shinjiro, Iori Junpei, Sanada Akihiko, Yuki Makoto in male restroom, arguing.

Kirijo Mitsuru, Takeba Yukari, Yamagishi Fuuka in third floor sleeping chambers, arguing.

As a robot, Aigis saw no need to consume foodstuffs. She was aware that the others did, however, and they usually did so in the dorm's kitchen and dining area. Shinjiro often prepared food for Koromaru to eat as well. So when Aigis saw Fuuka enter the kitchen wearing an apron and a pensive look, she decided to observe.

"Ohh!" Fuuka appeared to be in distress. "Why do I get myself into these situations?" Fortunately, she hadn't noticed the door to the boys' bathroom slowly creak open and four heads peek out.

"Oh, Fuuka, don't worry! It'll be fine." Yukari soon joined her. "They're boys – they'll eat anything!" As she rolled her eyes at the thought of male eating habits, she noticed Aigis standing by the television. "Hey, Aigis, have any of the boys come home yet?"

"The boys are not here, and I have not seen them all day." Aigis proudly announced. (Meanwhile, the boys were tiptoeing out of the bathroom single file, hugging the wall.)

"Okayyyy...What do you think, Mitsuru-senpai?"

Akihiko stopped dead – Shinjiro nearly colliding with him and staring daggers into the back of his head – as Mitsuru was indeed coming down the stairs at that very moment.

"What'd I tell ya?" Shinjiro whispered as Akihiko now parried those daggers right back at him.

Mitsuru, for her part, looked uncharacteristically nervous as she hovered on the edge of the kitchen's boundaries. "Are you sure I couldn't just order something? We could just throw away the containers. I promise I will pay for anything you'd like, and the boys don't even have to know."

"Are you encouraging us to **lie** , Senpai?" Yukari had an odd smile on her face.

"Of course not! I was...merely suggesting we conserve time and resources and stay mindful of our own limitations." As Mitsuru continued lecturing, she got back a little more of her confidence. "Pragmatism is a mark of adulthood, Takeba, and you seem to be sorely lacking it." Nose back in the air, she flounced over to the table and draped herself over a chair with a self-righteous smirk.

Yukari only flinched slightly, growing accustomed to the brush-off. "Well, where **I** come from, adults can take care of themselves! Come on, Fuuka!" she snapped, dragging the unfortunate younger girl behind her. "What do you want to cook?"

"U-um," began Fuuka, "I've been working on i-improving my rice balls. You can actually taste the rice now. Oh! What about croquettes? They look like they'd be easy to make." She held up a recipe that probably had no idea it would become an instrument of destruction.

"We're all gonna die." said Makoto.

"Told ya that, too." added Shinjiro.

Junpei laughed nervously. "Oh, c'mon, it can't be all that bad. I mean, there's three of 'em right?"

"Tch. Yeah, one who can't cook to save her life, and one who's never touched a pan her entire life!" If Shinjiro's eyes rolled any farther back into his head, they'd get stuck that way. "I don't know anything about Takeba, but if she misses with a spatula as often as she misses with that bow of hers..."

"And you act like Mitsuru looks down on everyone." Akihiko was quick to point out.

"Hey, what's everyone doing?" a voice called out from behind them.

"Aah!"

"Gah!"

"Shit!"

With the majority of them attending or avoiding the same school, it was too easy to forget that Ken came home at a different time then they did. He stood at the end of the line with a curious expression, but shrunk back when Shinjiro glanced back at him. Koromaru sat next to Ken, head cocked to one side.

"Ah, jeez, Ken!" Junpei was the first to recover. "You shouldn't go sneaking around like that!"

"I was just wondering why you're all avoiding the kitchen. I'd assume you'd want something to eat after a long day at school." As usual, Ken expressed himself much smoother than the average 11-yr-old.

"There's nothing to eat in the kitchen with those three in it." Shinjiro told him. Meanwhile, Koromaru had happily trotted into the kitchen when he realized someone was in it. Whatever he got wind of, however, sent him slinking back out with his tail between his legs. "That bad, huh, boy?" Koromaru just whined.

Things were beginning to heat up in the kitchen. "So I cook the potatoes, and then add the onion...oh, I forgot to get an onion." Fuuka was saying. "Maybe some cabbage would be okay?"

Yukari just shrugged. "I don't think anyone will really notice once you add the beef and potatoes."

"...Oh."

"Oh?"

"I-I forgot about the beef. Maybe I could use some of the salmon I was going to add to the rice balls?"

Mitsuru had been looking over her shoulder, positive she'd heard a noise when this bit of information wafted over to her along with the smell of burning rice. "Why on earth did you choose a recipe you have no ingredients for?" she asked. "Are you sure you know what you're doing, Yamagishi? I can't imagine rice would take this long to prepare."

"THE RICE!" both second-years shrieked. Yukari quickly turned off the stove while Fuuka tried to assess the damage.

"It only stuck a little on the bottom. We can still use half of it!" Fuuka tried to be optimistic.

" **Now** do you want me to call someone?" asked Mitsuru.

"No. Here." Yukari had something behind her back and when she revealed it, Mitsuru actually threw up her arms in defense.

It was a potato masher.

"We're never gonna get this done unless we all pitch in." said Yukari as she shoved the masher into Mitsuru's hand and gave her a bowl "I'm sure even you can mash potatoes." Mitsuru just held the masher away from her as if it were poisonous, so Yukari continued. "Crush them into submission like they're shadows _...or Akihiko-senpai._ " she muttered just loud enough for Mitsuru to hear. The THUMP! that followed threatened to break the table.

* * *

The boys were quietly sniggering. "Oh, this was worth coming back for!" Shinjiro snorted.

"She gave Senpai a weapon and turned her back on her." Makoto pointed out.

"Baaad move, Yuka-tan." agreed Junpei.

Akihiko had done a 180 regarding the situation. "Okay, if somebody can get me a picture of Mitsuru in an apron...I will give you all the money I have!"

"Ooh, I didn't know you were into maids, too, Akihiko-senpai." said Junpei with a smirk.

Shinjiro knew better. "Just the one."

"What? No! This is insurance!" Akihiko blurted out. In spite of the blush forming on his cheeks, he continued. "If I have physical proof of Mitsuru being domestic, I won't have to worry about you idiots getting me in trouble!" He grinned. "I just might be able to avoid being executed for the rest of the year!"

"You want a picture of Mitsuru in an apron...for blackmail?"

"Yeah." Akihiko looked confused. "What else would I use it for?"

The others just looked at him.

* * *

THUMP!

Every time Mitsuru imagined Yukari at the other end of her masher, Fuuka jumped and nearly dropped something. The boys were able to time their movements with every THUMP!, and had finally made it to Aigis.

"Okay, Fuuka, where's the seaweed?" Yukari had been vainly trying to shape Fuuka's doughy rice while Fuuka hopefully cooked some cabbage. As she lifted her hand, however, the ball she'd been shaping came up with it. One good shake sent it flying towards the table, fortunately missing Mitsuru, who'd nearly made paste out of her potatoes. The incredulous look on her face made Yukari wish **she'd** had a picture as well.

"U-um...I thought I'd add it to the cabbage and maybe no one would know that I'd forgotten the onion?" Even Fuuka doubted her own actions.

"Yes, because seaweed and onions are virtually indistinguishable from one another." Mitsuru rolled her eyes even farther back than Shinjiro. "Didn't you know that, TAKEBA?" THUMP!

"I-I think those are done, Mitsuru-senpai." Fuuka said timidly as she inched over to the bowl of potatoes. She opted not to try taking the masher, though.

"You know, it's nearly 6 o'clock." Mitsuru turned to the stove's clock. "I don't see how all 5 boys could be still out at this hour. Amada at least should have returned to tend to Koromaru."

"The boys are not here," Aigis repeated, "and I have not seen them all day."

"Yeah, that's even more suspicious than the first time you said it." said Yukari.

The boys in question had resumed their quiet crawl towards the kitchen when Ken suddenly piped up. "Oh! I know what he can do with it!"

Eight eyes bulged out of their respective heads. When Shinjiro managed to pick up his jaw, he looked back at the tween quizzically. "Ken?"

"The picture of Mitsuru-san that Sanada-senpai wants." Ken continued to explain as if he hadn't just scared the hell out of everyone. "He can stick it on his punching bag! That way, he can punch Mitsuru-san without actually punching her!"

"YEP!" Junpei quickly said before anyone could interject. "Yep, that's exactly what we were talking about! Good going, Ken, you figured it out! What other answer could there be, ha ha ha!" He took off his hat so he could wipe his suddenly soaking wet brow. " _We are the only normal people here, dude!"_ he whispered to Makoto.

They had nearly reached the kitchen. Fuuka stood by the stove with a bubbling mass of cabbage, seaweed, potatoes, and salmon that looked like it was about to grow a mask and call itself Culinary Maya. The smell alone permeated every set of nostrils in the building and had their eyes watering.

"We left her in Tartarus too long." Makoto quipped. "That's the only explanation."

"She even killed the plants!" Junpei shook his head, gesturing to a potted plant that had wilted in fear.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure the plants in the dorm are fake." said Akihiko. "Mitsuru mentioned it once."

This was too much for Shinjiro to take. "How shitty of a chef do you have to be to kill a plastic plant?!"

* * *

"Okay, now we roll the mixture in flour, eggs, breadcrumbs, and then fry them." Fuuka said as she started looking through the cupboards. "Um..."

"Don't tell me,"said Yukari, "let me guess: no breadcrumbs."

" _Quelle_ _surprise_." Mitsuru quipped.

"Oh! Wait! I think I've found them." Fuuka triumphantly held up a container.

The girls couldn't see the label, but they weren't very confident. "It's oatmeal." guessed Yukari.

Mitsuru went with, "It's protein powder."

Fuuka had finally found the label. "Never mind, it's more rice."

Yukari shrugged. "Gee, we both lost."

"Yamagishi's cooking." Mitsuru shook her head. "Humanity has lost."

Undaunted, Fuuka had another idea. "Let's use the rice!" She happily dug into the lump of rice Yukari had given up on...and then realized her hands were stuck. Mitsuru and Yukari just looked at one another, and then simultaneously headed into the kitchen to search for anything even remotely resembling breadcrumbs.

Finally, everything was (more or less) assembled. Fuuka found the oil on her second try, and sushi mats helped cobble the concoction into snowball-sized lumps. The oil was hot. The boys had made it to the kitchen.

"Wait a sec, Fuuka!" Yukari suddenly realized as she read the recipe. "You were supposed to mold the croquettes and then put them in the fridge for an hour."

"There's no time, though. I'm sure the boys will be back any minute, and I wanted this to be a surprise."

Hearing the prompt, Aigis launched into her spiel. "The boys are not here, and I have-"

"AIGIS!" Mitsuru quickly cut her off.

The girls gathered around the pan as if they were staring into the abyss, fingers crossed, breath held. "Okay, here goes!" said Fuuka as she dropped each crooked croquette into the oil. They quickly sunk. "Aw..."

"If we survive this night, I suggest we never speak of this again." Mitsuru said solemnly.

Yukari sighed. "I hate to admit it, but she's right, Fuuka. This was pretty much doomed from the start. We're just lucky the boys never **did** show up."

Fuuka was finally forced to realize the futility of the situation as she sat down at the table. "I-I just...wanted to do something nice for everyone since you were all so welcoming." she cried as she hid her face in her arms. "What else could go wrong?"

The answer to that question was a loud popping noise. The ill-formed croquettes began breaking apart in the hot oil, splashing it onto the burner. Flames licked the side of the pan and the girls were forced to retreat as the oil started attacking, leaving boiling hot splotches on anything it touched. Mitsuru shrieked as one flaming glob of croquette launched itself at her.

Smoke and screaming had Akihiko on his feet before he had even processed what was happening. He grabbed Mitsuru by the waist and yanked her out of the line of fire. "You okay?"

She was frazzled, and grease spots covered her skirt, but Mitsuru still retained enough of her wits to realize something. "Wh-where did you come from?"

"Oh, goddammit, Aki!"

The rest of the boys had to reveal themselves then, with Shinjiro loudly voicing his disapproval as he pulled out a fire extinguisher and killed the croquette monster.

"Yeah, how **did** you get here so fast?" said Yukari. "Were you spying on us?"

Junpei quickly backed away from her, throwing up his hands. "No, no, we weren't spying! We were just watching you without you knowing about it!"

"Which is pretty much spying." Makoto shook his head.

"But Aigis said that she didn't see anyone." Fuuka pointed out.

"Multiple times." Mitsuru added. She turned to Akihiko who, amazingly, still had his arms around her waist. Junpei snickered when he realized it, although he was ignored. "Almost as if she had been instructed to do so." Akihiko quickly let go and flinched.

Fuuka got up from the table, but she was still looking downward. "I'm sorry, everyone." she said. "I was really hoping to surprise you all."

"We were definitely surprised!" Ken replied.

"Guess nobody's getting any food tonight." sighed Junpei.

Mitsuru and Yukari both had the same idea and turned to one another, eyebrows raised. They both turned to Fuuka, and when she finally faced them, she perked up.

"Well, Junpei, if you still really want someone to cook..."

* * *

"I'm getting hungry." said Fuuka as she, Mitsuru, and Yukari sat at the table.

"When's our food gonna be ready?" Yukari called out.

"I'm workin' on it, alright? Hold your horses!" Shinjiro hollered back. He was running back and forth in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. Behind him, Makoto was cutting up vegetables, pausing every now and then to brush the hair out of his eyes.

Yukari leaned back in her chair. "This service is awful. We should complain to the owner – hey, Mitsuru-senpai!"

"It's simply impossible to get good help these days." Mitsuru smirked. "Oh, excuse me, waiter?"

Akihiko shuffled out of the kitchen, grumbling. The girls doubled over with laughter as he cut quite a handsome figure in his apron. "Yes, Milady?" he mumbled.

"I've changed my mind, I believe I'd like to order something else." Mitsuru's eyes were dancing as she took in the sight. "That won't be a problem, will it?"

Akihiko sighed. "No problem at all...ma'am." He turned to leave, but Mitsuru got his attention once again.

"And one more thing."

"What?"

A sudden flash blinded him. He'd failed to see Mitsuru pulling out her phone. "Oh, this is just too adorable for words." she chuckled. "Now, I'm sure you remember that we have exams coming up soon. You **will** be studying for them...won't you, Akihiko?"

"Can't you just execute me instead?" wailed Akihiko. He slunk off before anyone else could get any incriminating photos.

Ken came downstairs, arms full of cans. "How's your dinner going? Sorry, I don't really know how to cook, so I just brought you some drinks."

"Amada, you realize you weren't included in the boys' punishment." Mitsuru said as Koromaru came down with yet another can in his mouth.

"Oh, I know. I just felt bad Fuuka-san's surprise was ruined."

"That's so sweet of you!" gushed Fuuka.

"Aww, you are such a prince, Ken-kun!" Yukari cooed, trying to ruffle his hair.

Ken pulled away almost instantly. "Please stop that!" He took off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Okay, here we go, ladies!" Junpei was heading towards the table, his arms filled with dishes. "Plenty of grub for you to grab!" As he neared the table, everyone held their breath, anticipating a crash. To their surprise (and his), all the dishes made it to the table.

"Wow, Junpei, I was sure you'd drop something." Yukari couldn't help but admit.

"Well, maybe you should eat your words instead, Yuka-tan!" Junpei smirked. "I'd say such stellar service deserves a big tip, don't you think?"

"Oh, yeah, here's a tip – that shirt does **not** go with those pants." Everyone laughed.

The front door opened and Ikutsuki walked in to see all the members of SEES getting along. "Well, this is a pleasant surprise! I didn't know you were having a party."

"Mr. Chairman!" Mitsuru put away her phone and stood up, worrying unnecessarily about her appearance. "We were just sharing a meal. Would you care to join us?"

"Oh? Then it seems I've arrived at just the right time to ask a very important question!" That look on Ikutsuki's face was never a good sign.

"Oh, no..." said Yukari.

"So, children..."

"Brace yourselves!" Akihiko yelled.

Ikutsuki's grin widened. "What's cooking?"

The boys threw their aprons at him.


	2. Chapter 2: Tower (Persona) of Demise

Tower (Persona) of Demise

No one was really sure where Makoto got all his different Personas from. Each time they entered Tartarus, he'd go off to one corner and just...stand there. Then he'd walk back over like nothing happened, and inside the tower, he'd suddenly whip out some totally different Persona than he'd had last night. Each time this happened, Mitsuru's eye would twitch and she'd purse her lips and swear that she'd corner him and force him to reveal his secrets.

Even Mitsuru had to admit, however, that the sheer variety of Personas was impressive. There were the Jack Personas, boisterous and mischievous, but good elementals for when Junpei or Mitsuru weren't in the party. Then there were the Mitamas, punctuation mark-like Personas who were good with status effects. Fuuka was particularly enamored with Unicorn and Pixie, and was a little dejected when Makoto told her he'd "fused" them to make something better. He promised to bring back a High Pixie, which cheered her up.

One particular night, Makoto returned from his fugue state grumbling about "accidents" and how he wouldn't be able to go to Escapade until after the next full moon. They did 3 floors of Tartarus, and then immediately returned to the entryway where Makoto went comatose again.

"Do, uh...do you guys think something's up with our leader?" Junpei asked the others. "He's doing that thing again."

"I asked him once where he got all his Personas from," Fuuka replied, "and he said something about an door and an elevator. He said there's a door at the mall, too."

"An elevator would be great right about now!" Yukari grumbled. "How many floors does this place have?"

"C'mon, just think of it as training!" Akihiko declared, throwing a few punches. This gained him stereo glares from both Mitsuru and Shinjiro on either side of him – not that it fazed him.

"You think of training enough for all of us, Sanada-senpai!" said Ken.

Meanwhile, in the Velvet Room:

"Tower...tower..." Makoto was mumbling to himself as he perused the Compendium. "Gotta get a Tower Persona...ugh." Elizabeth watched with fascination, and gasped as she connected the dots before he did.

Finally, Makoto found a Persona he could fuse from what he had, and approached Igor. The man's bloodshot eyes somehow got even wider at the request, but he performed it anyway, and Makoto received...

"What the HELL?"

"Oh, my...tee-hee..."

* * *

Makoto couldn't look anyone in the eye that night – especially the girls. As the Dark Hour winded down, they left the tower and fell into their usual groups: the three senpai leading, with Mitsuru keeping Akihiko and Shinjiro's arguing to a minimum, Koromaru keeping Ken from falling asleep on his feet while Aigis interpreted for him, and the four second-years bringing up the rear. They were complaining about summer classes when both Fuuka and Mitsuru stopped dead.

"It can't be!" gasped Fuuka.

"Another rogue Shadow outside of Tartarus." said Mitsuru. "This is getting to be a problem."

Koromaru barked sharply as he ran circles around the group. "Is it at the shrine?" Aigis translated.

"No," Fuuka replied, "It seems to be heading towards the dorm."

"Heh. Well, so are we!" Akihiko snorted as he cracked his knuckles, ignoring Shinjiro sighing behind him.

"Wait – do they know we live there?" asked Junpei.

"No." Mitsuru was quick to assure him. "Shadows don't 'know' anything besides attacking their prey, and they aren't proactive." Yukari looked like she wanted to say something to that, but she held her tongue.

This **was** a problem. Most of them were tired out from battling. Makoto began running through his Personas on hand until he realized everyone had stopped and was staring at him.

"What do you think we should do?" Mitsuru was asking him. Drawbacks of being field leader, he supposed.

"Can you scan it from here?" he asked.

"Not quite." Fuuka attempted to summon Lucia. "Give me a sec."

"There's no time – the Dark Hour is nearly over." Mitsuru protested. She attempted to stand up straighter than she already was and added, "Those of us who aren't exhausted are to lead the Shadow away from the dorm. Wait for my signal before accompanying Yamagishi and Amada."

 _You couldn't have just said that in the first place?_ thought Makoto. Out loud, he said, "Okay – I'm escort detail."

"Hey, I'm not...tired..." Ken attempted to say through a well-timed yawn.

"Go back, Ken." Shinjiro said firmly. Ken's protest quickly died out.

"I'll go back, too, if no one minds." Yukari said.

Before anyone had realized it, SEES had split right down the middle, with the seniors taking Aigis and Koromaru, and the juniors with Ken. Makoto tried to think of all the ways this could possibly go wrong.

* * *

"BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!"

Koromaru hightailed it through the street, deftly twisting and turning and advertising himself as a tasty Shadow snack. As far as Mitsuru could tell, the Shadow seemed to be taking the bait.

"He says the shadow has changed its trajectory." Aigis supplied.

"This brings back memories, doesn't it, Shinji?" Akihiko smirked.

Shinjiro took a minute to remember, and then he was smirking, too. "Oh, yeah...The Beef Bowl Bait Maneuver of 2007." he said.

"Let's hope," Mitsuru had quit talking to Penthesilea at just the right moment, "that this maneuver turns out better than that one did." she quipped. For a moment, she actually appeared to join the smirkfest.

"Wasn't a problem until the bait decided to change the plan." Shinjiro snarled at her.

"That wasn't my intention, either, but since the both of you tried to stop for refreshments, I had no choice." Mitsuru said as her eyebrows joined her smirk. "I seriously doubt the ramen needed to be rescued."

Akihiko scoffed at this. "Well, it was good thing we **were** there, since it turned out there was-" He stopped suddenly, and all their smirks disappeared. "There were two Shadows, weren't there?"

"Shit..."

"Yamagishi! Do you read me?"

* * *

"Well, I don't see any Shadowy stuff." Junpei declared as they neared the dormitory steps.

"Thank goodness!" said Yukari. " I'm so tired...I don't even think I could lift my bow right now."

"Still, we really shouldn't leave the others alone out here for very long." Ken said.

"Why not? They were doing it for years before we came along." Junpei pointed out. "And besides, they've got Koromaru and Ai-chan with 'em."

"They don't even want us around, anyway." Yukari grumbled.

 _This again._ "What makes you say that?" asked Makoto.

Yukari just glared at him. "Don't you notice anything?" she said angrily. "Mitsuru-sempai always splits the groups that way. She's always, ' _ **Akihiko and I will go this way.'**_ or _ **'Let's split up. Akihiko, you come with me.'**_ It's like she doesn't think we can do anything!" As amusing as Yukari's Mitsuru impression was, she did have a small point.

"You don't know that, Yukari-chan!" Fuuka was starting to get upset.

"Yeah," Junpei agreed. He had a lascivious smile on his face as he added, "Maybe they're just sneaking off to make out, heh-heh-heh."

"Stupei!" Yukari managed to lift her bow high enough to whack Junpei on the head with it.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere: (Yamagishi! Do you read me?)

Everyone jumped. "100 yen says she heard you somehow." Makoto said quietly.

"Senpai?" Fuuka answered back.

(We have reason to believe there's another Shadow.) came Mitsuru's voice. (Stay on your guard! We'll be there as soon as we can!)

Yes, this was one of the ways Makoto pictured everything going pear-shaped. Maybe Junpei could handle this Shadow – he was always bitching about being overshadowed, after all.

Ken was awake and alert now. "I saw something over by that tree!" He pointed with his comically large spear. Sure enough, an undulating black mass was winding its way around trees and cars, heading towards them.

Fortunately, the party had reached the dorm, and so they tucked Fuuka into a corner on the porch while everyone else stationed themselves on the stairs. Makoto was more than happy to let Junpei charge at the Shadow...until he missed the damn thing and landed flat on his ass.

"Fuuka, tell me something good!" Makoto cried out as he ran through his Personas again. Most of them were dried up, except for...

"It's weak to pierce attacks!" said Fuuka.

 _Ohgodwhy?_ Well, there was no getting around it now, not with everyone watching him. Makoto raised his Evoker, and..."MARA!"

* * *

Silence.

That's what he was met with.

The Shadow went down easy – that wasn't the problem. The problem was that, in front of an 11-yr-old boy, his best friend, and two girls he'd kind of considered dating, Makoto had just flashed a penis. A giant, jovial, ambulatory penis.

The awkward silence lasted for about three seconds, and then chaos erupted.

"OH MY GOOOOODDDD!" shrieked Yukari.

Junpei's first reaction was to crack up laughing. "Dude – seriously?" he snorted.

There was no reaction from Fuuka, and for a moment, Makoto was relieved – until he turned around and saw that Fuuka was covering her face. She was even paler than usual.

"Um," Ken looked as if he was desperately trying to maintain his composure. "I know this is kind of inappropriate, but...is that a Persona? 'Cause it kind of looks like-"

"YOUUUUU PERVERT!" Yukari was redder than a tomato and completely aghast. She tried firing an arrow at Makoto's head, but luckily, she missed.

Junpei was still laughing. "Oh, you **wish** , buddy!" he said. "You totally wish!"

As if things couldn't be bad enough, they heard barking getting closer and closer, and Mitsuru's voice could be heard. (Yamagishi, we've just about made it back to the dorm. Status report?) Fuuka didn't move. (Yamagishi? What's wrong?)

"I-I can't look!" Fuuka mumbled.

"Dude, you gonna put that thing back in your...uh...brain...or, what?" Junpei was playing it off as if he wasn't eyeing the phallic Persona with just a touch of envy.

Footsteps thundered towards them. Evidently, Mitsuru had given up on contacting them in what she supposed was a desperate situation.

"Guys, we figured out what the problem wa-" Akihiko started to say. He got an eyeful of Mara, and did the biggest double take they'd ever seen. Then he shivered, and it wasn't hard to see why.

Mitsuru had come up behind him. She took one look at Mara and her posture stiffened. " **That's disgraceful.** " she growled.

Shinjiro – who Makoto couldn't ever remember seeing emote at all – had a more downplayed reaction, but he still sounded shocked. "Aki?"

"Yeah?"

"D-do you see a giant dick?"

"Uh-huh."

Shinjiro facepalmed. "I was _**really**_ hoping it was the pills."

"Do you usually see giant dicks after taking those pills?"

"Well, there **is** Takaya."

Aigis finally joined them. She didn't seem to get why everyone was standing around freaking out. "Have all the shadows been vanquished?" she asked innocently. Koromaru sat next to her, equally confused.

Junpei began laughing again. "Yeah – Makoto PIERCED 'em with that thing!" His fire affinity was the only thing keeping him from dying of hypothermia as Mitsuru focused her glare on him.

"J-Junpei, c-cut it out!" Akihiko managed to say through chattering teeth.

"Arf?"

"Then why is Makoto-san's Persona still activated?"

Makoto sighed. "That's the 640,000 yen question."

Now Shinjiro found something to laugh about. "What, you can't get the damn thing to go down?"

" **SHINJIRO**!"

"I'm g-going inside!" Akihiko declared as he tried to get as much distance between himself and Mitsuru as possible.

"Well, unfortunately for you, kid, Mitsuru's the only one who can afford to answer that question," laughed Shinjiro, "And I really don't think you're gonna like the answer."

Suddenly, Fuuka gasped. "He's right!" They'd been too preoccupied to notice that she was scanning. "It's weak to ice!"

Everything happened so fast. Mitsuru had a look of maniacal glee in her eyes as she raised her Evoker. "SHIT!" yelled Akihiko. He turned and ran as fast as he could down the street. They lost sight of him within seconds.

Shinjiro began laughing so hard that he started coughing and collapsed onto the sidewalk. Aigis and Koromaru tried to help him up. Yukari and Junpei moved to protect Fuuka and Ken respectively.

Makoto could do nothing but accept his execution.

 _I'm gonna kill that goddamn monk._

* * *

Makoto finally thawed out as the sun's rays shone through his window. The dorm was quiet – everyone else must have went to school. He briefly wondered what Ms. Toriumi thought had happened to him. Maybe she'd bitch about it online later this weekend.

After a day spent drinking hot coffee, Makoto was the first person to run into Ikutsuki and his plethora of puns. Mitsuru had no doubt planned that as well. Perhaps if he'd been a genius...nah, it was still stupid.

The rest of SEES began coming home and filing into the conference room – Mitsuru sitting far away from Makoto, and Akihiko sitting far away from Mitsuru.

"Well!" Ikutsuki remained blissfully unaware of the drama. "I hear you kids had an eventful night last night!"

"Ugh, don't remind me!" whined Yukari.

"My favorite part," said Shinjiro, "was when Aki hauled ass outta town."

"Shut up, Shinji!" as Akihiko began to fight back, Mitsuru sighed, looked at her watch, and picked up a book.

"Where the hell did you go? I didn't think we've ever find you! Maybe there is something to that protein shit you're always drinking if it makes you go that fast."

"Shut UP, Shinji!"

"Captain of the boxing team...running from a giant dick."

" **You're** a giant dick." muttered Akihiko.

Just as Shinjiro was about to say something, Mitsuru's voice came from behind her book. "Occasionally, I'm inclined to agree."

" **HA**!" Akihiko yelled so loud that Fuuka leapt out of her seat. "Sorry."

The book remained in place, although one red eye peeked over the top of it. "Seems to be quite a bit of that going around lately." Makoto used his bangs to avoid meeting Mitsuru's glare.

The master of inappropriate timing, Junpei wanted to know one thing. "So, is there a girl Persona?"

"You've GOT to be kidding me!" Yukari groaned.

Makoto decided not to answer that question.


	3. Chapter 3: Zugzwang

Mitsuru sat in her room, a cup of tea in one hand and a book on her lap. The other inhabitants of the dorm were off on their own errands, so a quiet peace surrounded her. After approving a sizable stack of forms from various clubs and teams and completing her own homework, Mitsuru felt she'd successfully earned a break.

But success was short-lived. The slamming of doors signaled that the rest of her teammates had arrived – and from the sound of things, they were not happy with one another. _That's odd_ , Mitsuru thought, _Yuki usually mediates well in my absence._

Minako Yuki was proving to be quite an asset in more ways than one. She was able to rein in Iori, calm Takeba, and was it Mitsuru's imagination, or had Shinjiro been opening up more around her? Convincing Yuki to join student council was also working out beautifully, as she'd even managed the impossible feat of subduing Odagiri. As much as she hated to admit it, Mitsuru found herself admiring Yuki as well. The girl somehow managed to charm everyone around her while still staying at the top of her class **and** leading them through Tartarus.

Perhaps she hadn't returned with the others, because the angry voices increased in volume, and they were shouting Mitsuru's least favorite words: "I'm getting Mitsuru-senpai!" Oh, bother. If they were coming for her, it meant that Akihiko was involved and neither Yuki nor Shinjiro could reason with him. Already, she was displeased.

"Senpaiiiiiiiiii!" Yamagishi came running up the stairs. Mitsuru opened up the door to find her trembling, as if she'd seen a ghost. "Oh, Senpai! Come quick!" She didn't seem to want to offer any explanation – apparently the situation was dire enough to speak for itself.

When both girls finally reached the first floor, they emerged onto a battlefield. Akihiko and Shinjiro were at each other's throats, barely restrained by Iori and Yuki respectively. Takeba was circling the two, alternating between pleading with them to stop and threatening to tattle on them. Amada was standing by the door as if he'd contemplated fleeing. He may have been quite mature for his age, but he was still an elementary student, and had little experience with the Idiot Twins and their tempestuous relationship.

Mitsuru, on the other hand, could write a book about it. " **What is going on here?** "

Akihiko stopped immediately. Shinjiro continued his taunting gestures, but he, too, had stopped advancing at the sound of Mitsuru's voice – though he'd never admit it. He switched to smirking at Akihiko's subconscious reaction instead. When Yuki turned to glare at him, he – and again, Mitsuru had to wonder if she was imagining things – stopped doing that as well. Shinjiro Aragaki hypocritically committing Akihiko's sin of being cowed by a girl? ' _What is going on here' indeed? How have I never noticed?_

Standard operating procedure at this point was for Akihiko to sputter out an explanation that he hoped would placate Mitsuru, while Shinjiro would either bluntly refute it or go mute and start sulking. But Akihiko was strangely silent.

Instead, Yuki turned to Mitsuru herself. "I'm sorry, Senpai. It was my fault." she began. "You see, I've got new outfits for Tartarus. It took me forever to earn enough, but...anyway, they're really cute! I was telling Yukari-chan all about them when we ran into the boys, and when I showed them what I had hoped Shinjiro-senpai would wear..."

"I told you, I ain't wearin' it!" Shinjiro growled. "Give it to Aki! He's Kirijo's stooge – now he can finally dress the part!"

"No way in hell I'm wearing that stupid thing!" said Akihiko, brandishing his fist.

"One of us has to wear it!"

"So we'll settle this the way we always do."

"Bash each other over the head until Mitsuru gets pissed off enough and bashes both our heads together? No thanks!"

Mitsuru thought of her now-cold tea left in her room, along with the book she had been looking forward to finishing since her father permitted her to borrow it from his office. If she had been displeased before, by now, she was absolutely furious.

"Does everything have to end in a fistfight with these two?" moaned Takeba.

Mitsuru just sighed. "I've seen them come to blows over whose ramen had the most noodles in it."

"Who won?" Iori asked.

"The floor, after they knocked over the table." This was getting them nowhere. "Just what exactly is this outfit that no one wants to wear?"

Yuki bounded over to the sofa and grabbed some clothes that Mitsuru hadn't noticed earlier. "Ta-da! It's a butler's uniform!"

It certainly was. Mitsuru was very familiar with uniforms, since she'd spent more time with the servants than with her own parents. As smart as it looked, however, a butler's uniform didn't seem very useful when fighting Shadows.

"I-I think it looks nice." said Yamagishi meekly.

"Then **you** wear it." Shinjiro scoffed.

"Hey, at least it's real clothes!" Takeba rolled her eyes. "I'd rather wear that then Hi-Cut Armor!"

Mitsuru flinched. "Don't bring that up again, Takeba, please." That metal bikini would be forever etched in her memory. She briefly wondered if Takeba or Yuki ever had nightmares of showing up to school in the accursed thing. (Hopefully, she wasn't the only one!)

"What even made you think anyone wanted to be a butler, anyway?" Akihiko decided to ask Yuki.

"Aw, c'mon!" she said, "Haven't you ever wanted to be someone else?"

This gave Mitsuru pause. She sometimes did. She couldn't help but notice the change in demeanor when she introduced herself – the glossing over of eyes when she finishes her name. "Oh... _Kirijo_..." It wasn't as simple as a change in wardrobe, however.

"Senpai?"

"Hmm?"

Yuki had apparently been asking for her opinion. "Do you think I should change my name? I mean...everyone knows Minako Yuki is that orphaned transfer student...it kind of sucks. But if I go somewhere else after I graduate, I could be anybody!"

"No more Mina-tan?" Iori swooned dramatically. "Will the new you still wolf down three extra large beef bowls and murder me in video games?"

"Yeah! The new me's still really cool like that."

Mitsuru was, again, unexpectedly impressed. "You appear to have given this a lot of thought."

Yuki nodded. "I just need a name. What about something like...Hamuko?"

"Hamu-tan, huh?" Iori mused. "Hamu-tan...I like it!"

"Great," Shinjiro said suddenly, "but I'm still not wearin' that suit."

Mitsuru massaged the bridge of her nose. "It would certainly do you some good to get out of that coat...and launder it." Shinjiro gave her his most intimidating death glare, but it fell flat.

"Bark!"

"Koro-chan says he would be honored to wear a suit for Minako-chan, but alas, he is a dog." said Aigis.

"Aww, he's also a gentleman!" Yuki cooed as she booped him on the nose.

Amada had been steadily creeping toward the others as the fighting died down. He decided Mitsuru made a suitable shield, and was finally ready to contribute. "I would have worn it, too." he said, gazing up at Yuki with round, bright eyes, "but it's a little too big for me."

"Oh, Ken-kun!" chirped Yuki, and Amada turned pink. "If only the _**older boys**_ were as thoughtful as you and Koro-chan are!" She pouted dramatically at said older boys, who all looked off in different directions.

"Pleeeeeaaaase...Shinji-senpai?"

Now Mitsuru could be **sure** she wasn't imagining things, because Akihiko visibly reacted to that as well. She was just about to tell Yuki that she was championing a lost cause when Shinjiro sighed.

"Only if you get one for Aki, too." he muttered, and quickly left the room.

Several days passed with no mention of servants' clothes. Yuki was as studious as ever, accompanying Odagiri on his furiously fruitless quest to catch a student smoker and apparently helping Yamagishi create edible food as well. Rumor had it she was even sewing with Geraux, the Japanophile transfer student. Mitsuru had been looking forward to taking a break from Tartarus before exams, but Yuki was as energetic as ever on that front, too. One of the mysterious barriers had been removed, and SEES was now on a higher floor and climbing faster than Ikutsuki could have ever predicted. Was there nothing this girl couldn't do?

When Akihiko came home that afternoon, he seemed pleased to find Mitsuru reading in her usual chair. "You seen Shinji?" he asked, flopping down onto the couch and putting his feet on the table.

"Not since this morning." Mitsuru answered, guiding Akihiko's feet back down to the floor with her own foot. "Arguing again?"

"Apparently, he told Minako that I was responsible for his mouth bleeding constantly." explained Akihiko.

"If I remember correctly, I believe you were."

"So she decided to lecture me about it." Akihiko leaned over and lowered Mitsuru's (actually, still Takeharu's) book so he could look her in the eye. "Since when did Shinji start hiding behind a skirt when he's always making fun of me for hiding behind yours?"

Mitsuru was about to raise an eyebrow at that statement, but something in Akihiko's face made her stop. _He's really worried about this._ Instead, she sighed and put the book down. "I've noticed Shinjiro acting differently as well," she began, "and I think you're correct in assuming it has to do with Yuki."

Akihiko sat back wearily. "Do you believe that stuff she was talking about? Wanting to be someone else?"

"It isn't always easy to get around someone's preconceived notions of you."

"Yeah, but..." Akihiko suddenly found something very interesting on the carpet. "She'd be leaving behind all that's left of her family. Who's gonna remember them then?"

" **She** will." Mitsuru assured him. "Everyone who knew and loved them will." It was very rare for Akihiko to let his guard down, even in front of Mitsuru. He never talked about his late family, and Shinjiro wasn't very forthcoming with information when she'd asked him, either. Such a monumental loss had left Akihiko petulantly clinging to anyone he grew close to – which, until recently, was solely Shinjiro. Mitsuru wasn't sure where she was on that list...or how that made her feel sometimes.

"Doesn't seem right to me." muttered Akihiko. "You can't get away from your past by disguising yourself so it won't recognize you."

Mitsuru couldn't hide the smile that illuminated her entire face. "Although one could grow and mature to the point where they hardly resemble their past self." _I think I prefer this man you've become to the boy you've left behind._

"Yeah, but neither of those things are Shinji. He's been butting his past right in the head for years now. So what's that got to do with Minako?"

Mitsuru just chuckled. _Oh, Akihiko._.. _if only you knew..._

Suddenly the door flew open and Yuki danced into the dorm, exuberant as usual. "I did it!" she sang as she hopped up the stairs with bags in both hands.

"It appears we're going to find out." said Mitsuru.

By the time 11 pm arrived, and SEES was due to leave for Tartarus, each member impatiently waited for Minako's resolution. The girl in question bounded down the stairs with her arms full of clothes and a devious grin on her face.

"There you are...Ham-mina-tan!" Iori smirked at what he thought was a witty joke.

As expected, Takeba shot him down. "You were supposed to pick **one** , Stupei!" she sighed, rolling her eyes.

Yuki cleared her throat loudly. Standing straight (in what Mitsuru suspected was Yuki's impression of her, the one she wasn't supposed to hear Akihiko laughing about), she proudly announced. "I'm sure you remember how I tried to add a little variety to our armor last week. Nobody wanted to wear the butler uniform." At this, Yuki pouted. "But," she perked up, "I realized that since I only had ONE butler outfit, everybody else would feel left out!"

"No, we wouldn't." muttered Shinjiro.

"Sooo..." Yuki picked up a few hangars and declared, "Not only do I have butler outfits for all the guys-"

"Heh-heh, Shinji." Akihiko chortled.

"-I have maid outfits for all the girls, too!"

"WHAT?!" shouted Mitsuru.

"HUH?" shouted Takeba.

"WHOA!" shouted Iori. He literally began jumping for joy. "Take that, typhoon! Our culture festival is back in business! Bet you can't wait, huh, Yuka-tan?" Takeba just growled.

"Wh-when you say, 'all the girls'..." Mitsuru desperately sought an escape. _No. No, this is_ not _happening! I am_ not _the one who's trying to please you for some ungodly reason and I am_ _ **certainly not**_ _wearing a_ _ **uniform**_ _designed for_ **servants!**

But Yuki was smiling like the proverbial cat that got the cream. "Yep! I got you one, too, Senpai!"

Akihiko mysteriously choked on a drink he didn't even have.

"HA-HA!" Shinjiro burst out laughing. "AH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAHHHHH! WHAT NOW, MITSURU?" Lovely being that he was, Shinjiro turned to his oldest friend, still sputtering, and clapped him on the back. "Looks like Christmas came early for Aki." Akihiko looked at Mitsuru and promptly began choking again.

 _Oh, that does it._

 _You wish to challenge me, Aragaki?_

 _You forget – a queen moves wherever she likes._

Mitsuru cleared her own throat, and Yuki suddenly looked guilty. "As I was attempting to say earlier: 'all the girls' implicitly includes yourself, Yuki." Silence. "Are you going to wear a uniform as well?" Shinjiro's eyes popped out of his head. _Check._

"Well, yeah! I thought we could all wear one together! Won't that be cute?" Shinjiro's jaw dropped.

 _Your move, "Shinji-senpai"._

Akihiko had recovered. "Hey, Shinji, you, uh...you got a little something under your nose...you might wanna wipe that off." Shinjiro glared at him. "Merry Christmas."

Shinjiro wasn't finished. "You gonna wear the uniform, Mitsuru? Mina went to all that trouble to get everybody something."

 _Mina?_ thought Mitsuru at the same time Akihiko could be heard muttering, "So she's 'Mina' now?"

But Shinjiro had made a magnificent error. "I will if you will." Mitsuru said simply. Now he was the one who needed to act. _Oh, did you think this was checkmate? Looks like zugzwang from here._

Sure enough, Shinjiro blanched. "Shit..."

"Aw man, aw man, aw man! This is gonna be GREAT!" Iori was, predictably, delighted with this outcome.

"You still have to dress like a butler, you know." Takeba pointed out.

Iori pondered this. "Worth it!" he declared.

Yuki passed out the clothes, and everyone reluctantly left for their rooms to change. Mitsuru sent a silent thanks to the Dark Hour for eliminating most of the people in town. _Now, if only it would eliminate some of the people in this dorm._ When she returned, she was shocked to find Shinjiro not only without his coat, but his hat as well.

"Butlers don't wear beanies." Yuki was telling him, trying to smooth his hair.

"Quit it!" Shinjiro yelled as he pulled away.

Mitsuru was left wondering how this got so serious without anyone noticing...until Akihiko returned in his own suit. She stared at him, he stared at her, and this quickly became the second most awkward night of both of their lives.

 _This is all Yamagishi's fault somehow._


	4. Chapter 4: New phone, who dis?

New phone, who dis?

Akihiko was in high spirits as he returned to the dorm this particular afternoon. Earlier this morning, a package was placed by his bedroom door, and he knew what was in it. He didn't have much time before school, but now, he was about to reap the benefits of being friends with the heiress of an electronics corporation. He returned to his room and found the battery fully charged on his brand-new, state-of-the-art cell phone. Turning it on, he couldn't help but whistle appreciatively at its crystal-clear screen and – most importantly – its shatterproof case.

Bringing his old phone on patrol seemed like a good idea at the time. Mitsuru's communication range had been outstripped by Fuuka months ago, and when the team got split up, it was hard to keep in constant contact with everyone. Akihiko hadn't anticipated several Shadows getting the drop on him...or dropping him on his ass, where his phone was tucked into his back pocket. Naturally, it was the cheapest model possible and only really good at breaking into a thousand irreparable pieces. Mitsuru had promised she'd "replace" his phone. She never said anything about upgrading him. Then again, his old phone was so out of date she'd probably have to break into a museum to replace it.

Everyone was hanging around the first floor when Akihiko came down triumphantly. "Check it out: new phone," he beamed.

"Aw man, I wish I had a new phone, too!" wailed Junpei.

Mitsuru looked up from her tea. "What's wrong with your phone, Iori?"

"It's lame," Junpei declared.

"Oh, well, I can't do much about that. That's more your fault than the phone's."

Junpei physically recoiled. "Ohhh! Freezer burn!" he cried as Yukari doubled over with laughter.

Akihiko wasn't even listening; he was deep into doodling around with the phone functions. Mitsuru was confused when her phone suddenly chirped about a text message.

Akihiko: Thanks for adding the pictures of Shinji, though. I forgot you had them.

Mitsuru went to reply to his text until she realized the futility of it. "We're less than a foot away from each other," she said. Her phone chirped again. "Why do you keep sending me faces? What are you doing?" Apparently, the phones came loaded with emojis that she'd never used.

Akihiko shrugged. "I only remember your number," he admitted sheepishly.

"He knows your number by heart, Senpai..." Yukari had recovered just in time to give Mitsuru a look.

Mitsuru was unimpressed. "It rhymes." She snatched Akihiko's phone out of his hands and brought up the contact list. "If you'd stop playing around, you'd notice that I took the liberty of entering most of the numbers you previously had," she scolded. Then she shoved it back into his hands and picked up her own phone.

Mitsuru: Now stop acting like a hyperactive five-year-old!

Suddenly, several other phones went off, too.

Mitsuru to Yukari, Yuki, Yamagishi, Amada: Please don't tell Akihiko that I've also installed a tracking device so that I know when he's out of range.

Yuki:Creepy, Senpai

Yuki: Also, duly noted.

Yukari: 0-o

Mitsuru just put her phone down and glared.

"Hey, now we can do, this, though," said Junpei, and **everyone's** phone began making noise.

Junpei added you into a group chat

Junpei: da-da-da-daaa!

Akihiko: Oh, hey! ｡^‿^｡ (ʘ‿ʘ) ｡◕‿◕｡(ง'̀-'́)ง

Makoto: Someone's having fun.

By this point, Mitsuru had put her phone on silent. When everyone starting laughing, she reluctantly picked it up.

Yukari: senpai OMG

Fuuka: It's kinda fun chatting with everyone at once.

Mitsuru: WE ARE LITERALLY IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER!

Makoto: Well, then, why are you typing?

Akihiko: !

Yukari: !

Junpei: !

Fuuka: !

Ken: !

Ken: Koromaru also says !

A pillow flew through the air and hit Makoto upside the head.

Junpei: (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Akihiko: ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ

Makoto: ow

Yukari: serves ya right! ᵔᴥᵔ

The only person not staring at a phone wasn't technically a person. "Aigis," Mitsuru pleaded, "say something. Anything!"

"I would comply, but I do not have a cell phone," replied Aigis.

Mitsuru made a stifled _harrumph!_ noise like an elephant having its trunk squeezed while trying to trumpet, and stomped out of the room, her forgotten tea toppling over onto the coffee table.

Akihiko: (?_?)

Makoto: There's no emoji for "frustrated tuba".

Fuuka: She was really mad!

Akihiko: Nah. You haven't seen Mitsuru ***really*** mad.

Ken: Um, hey, guys?

Yukari: guess Akihiko-senpai would know!

Akihiko: (ง'̀-'́)ง

Yukari: you might need to get another phone tomorrow!

Ken: Guys?

Junpei: must be nice having a sugar mommy. You shoulda asked for a car, too.

Yukari: OMG STUPEI WTF?! (－‸ლ)

Mitsuru: ⌐╦╦═─

Akihiko: !

Junpei: OH SHIT SHE LEFT THE ROOM BUT NOT THE CHAT!

Ken: I tried to warn you.

Junpei: SHE LEFT THE ROOM BUT NOT THE CHAT!

Junpei: ε=ε=ε=┌(;*´Д`)ﾉ

Mitsuru has closed the group chat.

* * *

A few hours later (when everyone had made themselves scarce), Mitsuru returned to the living room to clean up her mess and try once again to enjoy some tea in mature silence. Her phone chirped again...with a different alarm this time. Akihiko was out of range.

Mitsuru frowned at her screen. "Where is that lumbering manchild going?"

Mitsuru: Get back here. You will not fail your entrance exam for some ramen.

Akihiko's name came up (with the cute little Fight Me emoji – not that she'd ever admit that to him):

Akihiko (ง'̀-'́)ง: How the hell did you-?

Mitsuru: Oh, I'm sorry, do you require faces in order to get the message?

Akihiko (ง'̀-'́)ง: ε=ε=ε=┌(;*´Д`)ﾉ

⊂（ﾟДﾟ⊂⌒｀つ


	5. Chapter 5: Pet Peeves

Walking through a simulation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland where everything is trying to kill you was **not** something SEES had trained for. Watching half their team shrink down to a tenth of their size was even more bizarre. Wherever this Yasogami High was located must be a strange place indeed. Stranger still were Zen and Rei, the two enigmatic people in constant orbit around each other. Who were they, and why did they both know this place, and yet not know it?

No one was at ease as they pressed on. Koromaru led the charge; perhaps he was feeling guilty about reverting to primal urges among the miniature humans. Yukari was sullen, Akihiko and Shinjiro boisterously argumentative, and Mitsuru withdrawn and pensive.

Only Junpei seemed to be his usual obliviously carefree self – and even **that** had its limit. "Why are we following a rabbit, anyway?" he was asking. "We're just gonna end up with fleas."

Koromaru yelped. "Koromaru-san says he would rather not attract fleas, due to the density of his fur," Aigis interpreted.

"Aren't rabbits born with fleas?" Ken asked.

Mitsuru gave her "let me begin the lecture" sigh. "Not exactly. Rabbit fleas are typically born alongside the rabbits themselves," she explained, "I've had several of them growing up."

"What, rabbits or fleas?" asked Junpei.

"Both, apparently," Mitsuru chuckled.

Shinjiro scoffed. "Never took you for an animal lover. You won't even pet the damn dog." He ducked behind Akihiko to avoid Mitsuru's glare.

"Animals are just some of the many gifts I've received from suitors asking Father for my hand in marriage," Mitsuru said, rolling her eyes. "To date, I've been given teacup poodles, Siamese and Persian cats, horses, rabbits, turtles, koi, seahorses, toucans, lovebirds, peacocks, swans, fruit bats, Capuchin monkeys, red pandas, white tigers...once I was even given a cow by a Hindu gentleman."

"Bats? Ohhh!" Fuuka's shuddering could be heard even deep into the labyrinth. "Don't they get caught in your hair?"

Mitsuru shuddered as well. "Oh, yes." she said, with a look that just screamed _Please don't ask me to elaborate._

Akihiko looked confused. "How do you just give someone a monkey?"

"Very carefully?" offered Makoto.

"Let's just ignore the fact that half of those things are illegal," muttered Shinjiro.

"I only kept a few of them," Mitsuru insisted, "Mother was terrified of birds, and the tiger...well, there soon were no more birds for Mother to fret over."

"That's just terrible," said Yukari.

"I mean," Akihiko was still puzzling the situation over, "wouldn't a ring be easier?"

"Planning ahead, Aki?"

"SHUT UP!"

The others had spotted the rabbit again and began moving on. They soon reached a clearing with a knotted rope hanging down from...somewhere. There was a sign attached to the rope reading: PULL ME.

"I wonder what this does," said Rei. She leaned forward to pull on the rope.

"Rei!" Zen scolded her. "We don't know if this rope is safe!"

"Aww, but Zen-!"

" **No** , Rei."

Fuuka glitched in and out as she hummed in contemplation. "I don't remember ropes being in the story," she said.

"Great." grumbled Yukari, "booby traps." Somewhere behind her, Junpei snickered. "Don't you dare say it!"

"Perhaps it is one of Elizabeth-san's 'delightful' little pranks," offered Aigis, proving that even robots can use air quotes.

"Seems about right," agreed Makoto.

"What do you think, Leader?" Mitsuru asked Makoto.

Makoto paused for a moment, as if considering his options. "Let's leave it," he said at last.

"But...but what if it's a licorice rope?" Rei seemed too curious – and hungry – for her own good. "What if you pull it, and it rains donuts?"

Shinjiro just shook his head. "What kinda hokey shit is – and she's pulling it." He facepalmed.

"Rei, don't!" Zen wasn't quite fast enough as he dashed towards Rei and the rope.

A cloud of sparkly particles filled the room, and a tinkling noise could be heard. Where Rei once stood now sat a furry, gray mouse-like creature. "Whreep!" it chirped.

"REI!" For the first time since they met him, Zen actually looked frightened.

Akihiko jumped. "What the – it's a giant rat!"

"Is that Rei-san?" Ken gasped. "She's...she's..."

"She's a chinchilla!" said Mitsuru. Her eyes lit up, and she was smiling in a way that no one had ever seen her smile before.

"I suppose you had one of those, too?" Shinjiro groused.

"Aww, those are the softest things ever! Do you still have it?" asked Yukari.

Mitsuru immediately did a 180, and her shoulders drooped. "I...I'd rather not talk about it.". To herself, she muttered, _"_ _Pauvre P_ _â_ _te-a-C_ _houx!_ _"_

Shinjiro gaped. "You named the damn thing after a PASTRY?!"

Mitsuru actually flinched. "Well, they roll around in dust instead of bathing...like little furry beignets sprinkled with sugar, and...DON'T YOU JUDGE ME, ARAGAKI!" She stomped off.

"Shinji!" Akihiko was torn between going after Mitsuru or lecturing his belligerent friend.

Shinjiro just scoffed and pulled his jacket's collar up. "Oh, come on, it's a stupid name!"

"And I suppose naming a cat 'Meatball' is any better?"

"He looked like a meatball!"

" 'He' was a pregnant female!"

"Well, _**she**_ looked like a meatball!"

They only stopped arguing because of the nearby commotion. "Rei! Give her back!"

"You're frightening her! Chinchillas are very sensitive to noise!"

"Whreep! Whreep, whreep, whreep!"

"She says: "Everyone stop yelling! You are hurting my ears!" Aigis could apparently understand quite a few animals.

"See?"

" **Give her back, Mitsuru!** " They heard the unmistakable "chunck!"of a crossbow being loaded and primed to fire.

"Everyone, stop fighting!" Fuuka cried from outside. "We should be figuring out how to turn Rei-chan back to normal!" Zen and Mitsuru both shrunk.

"Whreep, whreep!"

Rei-san says: "Zen, I want some of those 'parachutes that drop rolls and buffets of sugar and meatballs!' Mitsuru-san, do chinchillas eat takoyaki? I'm hungry!"

"Well, at least she's still got her appetite!" said Junpei.

"You know, Koromaru can roll in dust for you, Senpai." Makoto quipped. Koromaru barked his confirmation.

"I don't think Elizabeth-san would do something like this," Ken decided. "She's weird...but she's only really mean to her brother. Besides, she likes our leader." At this, Yukari turned to glare at Makoto. So did Mitsuru, Aigis, and Fuuka's projection.

"Sheesh, another one?" Junpei. "How the hell do you do that, dude? I mean, not that I need anybody except my lovely Chidorita." He preened and tactfully ignored Yukari making gagging motions beside him.

A flash of white passed by. The rabbit had reappeared and was now patiently waiting for them to follow it.

"Whreep whreep whreep wreeeeep!" Rei ran up one of Mitsuru's arms, across her shoulders, and down the other arm. Mitsuru actually squealed with delight, and Akihiko noticed Makoto pulling out his phone and quickly subdued him.

"Don't you want proof this actually happened?" Makoto quipped.

"Rei-chan wants to continue following the rabbit," said Aigis, "I, too, believe that is our best course of action."

"Yes. Let us go," Zen agreed. He wasn't having any luck retrieving Rei the chinchilla from Mitsuru.

* * *

They followed the rabbit through a series of shortcuts and doors until they found another clearing with another suspicious dangling rope. The sign attached read: PULL THIS, TOO.

"It's another rope," said Akihiko.

"Nothing gets past you, does it, Aki?" Shinjiro retorted.

Yukari was skeptical. "Wait...how did they even know we pulled the first rope?"

"Never mind that," Zen said as he continued to reach for Rei, "perhaps this rope will dispense something that changes Rei back."

"If that were the case, then the sign should have said: 'Pull only if you've pulled the first rope by mistake'." Mitsuru grumbled as she grudgingly brought the chinchilla over to the clearing. "I, for one, don't think we should continue to obey random objects telling us to utilize them."

"I hate to say this, but Senpai's right," agreed Yukari, "I mean, we all grew back to normal size after we found that key. What if this just wears off, too?"

"Are you saying that Rei-san has to do something important as a chinchilla before she can turn back?" Ken asked.

"Is there a pile of dust around here?" asked Junpei.

" **YOU WILL NOT PUT REI IN A PILE OF DUST!** " Zen rose to full height and glared at everyone.

"WHREEEEEP!"

"Forgive me, Rei. I lashed out in anger."

"Perhaps I can analyze the resulting cloud of particles in the same manner as the potion," Aigis decided as she took the rope in her hands. Just as she gave it a tug, the chinchilla suddenly squealed and leapt to the ground, taking off.

"Rei! Come back!" Zen cried, running after her.

"AIGIS, WAIT!" cried Mitsuru, moving to intercept her.

But Aigis was too strong, and she tugged the rope so hard that it came off in her hands. Another musical cloud appeared, dissipated, and left...a screeching Siamese cat with red eyes.

"HrrREEEOWWW!" the cat that was formerly Mitsuru yowled, wagging her new tail menacingly. The thumping noise sounded surprisingly similar to the sound of her boot heels.

"Shinjiro-san," Aigis turned to the tallest member of SEES, "I believe now would be the appropriate time for the expression, 'Oh, shit!', would it not?" Shinjiro nodded dumbly.

"Her dad's gonna kill us." Akihiko muttered.

Koromaru's nose suddenly perked up, and he realized there was a cat in the room. He leapt, barking, at what he seemed to forget was also a very angry, frustrated Mitsuru.

"Oh, no, Koro-chan! That's not a cat!" Fuuka sounded very worried.

Mitsuru arched her back, hissing at Koromaru before she leapt to the tallest spot she could find...Shinjiro's head.

"Ahh! What the hell, Kirijo? Get off me!" Shinjiro flailed around, trying to grab Mitsuru, but she'd knocked his hat over his eyes, so he couldn't see anything. Mitsuru ended up flying off him and gracefully landing on her feet some distance away, growling softly as she began grooming herself.

Akihiko had quickly gone from aghast to amused. "You messed up her hair, Shinji. You know how she hates that."

"Mitsuru-san says: 'This is absolutely humiliating and **entirely your fault, Aigis!** ' Oh." Apparently, robots could also look cowed. "Now she is saying..." Aigis suddenly gasped. "Mitsuru-san! Your father would not approve of such coarse language!"

Both boys immediately lost it. "That's pretty much **my** fault." Shinjiro quipped.

"Incidentally, you smell horrible," said Aigis. When Shinjiro glared, she quickly clarified, "According to Mitsuru-san!"

Koromaru was whining and covering his face with one paw. Mitsuru paused before him, flicking her ears. "Mrrp?" she said. Koromaru barked a reply.

"Do they understand each other?" Yukari asked.

"Indeed,"Aigis replied. "They appear to be having a conversation, and Mitsuru-san is quite taken with Koromaru-san's accent."

Rei charged over and did loops around both animals, chittering her opinion. Adorably enough, Mitsuru still tried to rub up against Rei in her cat form.

"Ohh, I wish I were there! Everyone's so cute!" Fuuka cooed.

"You sure you don't want me to record this?" said Makoto.

The animals had stopped conversing and were sitting in a row before Aigis. "Meow!"

"Much as it pains me to admit it, I believe Takeba's earlier assessment may in fact be correct," Aigis began on Mitsuru's behalf. "Our only choice is to proceed onward until we find the next task."

"Whatever you say," Junpei smirked, "Catsuru-senpai!"

Yukari facepalmed. "Oh my god..." Makoto was laughing until she rolled her eyes at him.

Mitsuru's ears flattened, and she swatted at Junpei as he – quickly – passed by her. "rooowwww..."

"'I had hoped', says Mitsuru-san, 'that I'd be rid of cat puns after the Chairman exhausted his personal supply years ago'." said Aigis.

"That SOB's got more puns than Tartarus has floors." Shinjiro grumbled.

As they attempted to move their menagerie through the rest of the current floor and up to the next, Ken fell back a few paces until he was as close as he could get to Shinjiro without actually getting close to him. "So, uh," he began, but the rest of the sentence failed to load.

"I bet I know what Ken-kun's worried about," Fuuka chimed in. "Now that Mitsuru-senpai's...um, well, a cat..."

"...we're down one Persona-user." Ken finished. He seemed grateful for the prompt.

"How unfortunate that we do not have another collar similar to Koromaru-san's." added Aigis.

"Yeah, but Mitsuru doesn't really need an Evoker," Akihiko explained, "I've seen her summon without one." Mitsuru brushed up against Akihiko's leg and sat directly on his foot. Akihiko was about to complain until he felt an odd vibration.

"Is she _**purring**_?" Shinjiro asked, mouth agape.

"Mitsuru-san says: ' _Tres_ _bien_ _,_ Akihiko! While the Evoker certainly makes it easier to focus, summoning a Persona without one can indeed be done under the right circumstances'."

Ken sighed. "That's a relief!"

Sure enough, when approached by Shadows that resembled playing cards, Mitsuru found an opportunity and meowed to what appeared to be a very amused Penthesilea. The others watched in amazement.

Junpei had a suspicious grin on his face, so Yukari prepared to scold him...but Makoto spoke up instead. "That's one cool cat."

The glare Yukari gave him could put Mitsuru's to shame. "UGH! Do you have to be stupid, too?"

The fallen cards appeared to have been guarding three separate paths, with no indication of where any of them led. Koromaru barked and motioned for the others to take the middle path...but both Mitsuru and Rei seemed to be pointing in altogether different directions.

"How can this be?" Aigis was puzzled. "Koromaru-san says he has picked up the rabbit's scent on this particular pathway, but Mitsuru-san says the rabbit has veered to the left. Rei-san also claims to detect the rabbit, yet she says it has taken the far right path."

"Three rabbits?" asked Junpei.

"Either that, or that one rabbit kept doubling back and marking all three paths," Akihiko surmised.

"So which path do **we** take?"

"We'll have to take them all," Zen decided. "There are three paths and three animals." Now in possession of the chinchilla, he stepped over to the right. "I'll go to the right. I cannot leave Rei."

"I'll go with you," offered Makoto.

"I will continue to translate for Koromaru-san," said Aigis as she moved to the middle.

"But how are you guys gonna understand what Rei is saying if Aigis isn't around?" Yukari asked.

Ren chuckled. "I know Rei better than any of you. It won't be a problem."

"In that case," Shinjiro decided, "we'll take the left path with Mitsuru." Mitsuru expressed her agreement by leaping up onto Akihiko's shoulder – and promptly getting her inexperienced claws caught in his sweater.

"Hold still!" Akihiko squirmed and laughed. "Those whiskers are – ha-ha! – tickling me!"

Shinjiro did his best to free her. "Tch. Kinda thought someone so catty would be good at being a cat." This earned him a huge scratch down the back of his hand. "AH! Damn!"

"This is weird." Junpei expressed what all of them were probably thinking. "I'm going this way. Wait up, Ai-chan!"

"I'm going with Koromaru, too." said Ken, and Koromaru barked happily.

This left Yukari as the last to choose. "Well...I'm not hanging around Stupei if I can help it!" she declared suddenly, heading after Makoto.

"I'll do my best to guide you all from here." said Fuuka. "Be careful, everyone!"

* * *

Following a tiny animal, Makoto decided, was not his idea of a good time. Rei chittered and chattered as she practically danced down the path. No one knew what she was saying, but knowing her, it was probably something about food.

"Rei-chan seems to be enjoying herself," Yukari laughed.

Zen watched Rei's frantic activity with an even more intense version of his usual scowl. "What does a chinchilla do? What is its purpose?"

"Um, well, they're cute..."

"People make coats out of them." Makoto blurted out.

 _ **Chunck!**_ "YOU WANT TO TURN REI INTO A COAT?"

"Calm down! No one's making anyone into coats! Jeez!" Yukari was quickly regretting choosing Makoto over Junpei. "Did you _**have**_ to say that to him?" she chastised him.

"Leader!" Fuuka's voice suddenly reached them. "You're almost to the end of the path!"

* * *

Meanwhile, on the right-hand path, Junpei was fishing for a way to break the awkward silence that had fallen upon their group. "Boy, this sure has been a weird day, hasn't it?" No one had anything to say to that, so he tried again. "Say, what do you think would've happened if we put Koromaru under one of those ropes? Would he turn into a human?"

Koromaru yelped. "He says he is quite content with being a dog, thank you," Aigis translated.

"Well, better you than me," Junpei shrugged.

"I just hope there are no more strange surprises up ahead," said Ken. He had already reached the disturbing conclusion that he, Aigis, and Zen were the only people left that hadn't suffered some sort of metamorphosis, and was nervously glancing around each and every corner. "I haven't seen that rabbit at all. Are you sure it came this way, Koromaru?" Koromaru barked his affirmation.

Suddenly the path just stopped. "We appear to have reached a dead end," observed Aigis.

* * *

One of the newly-discovered benefits of being a well-oiled machine was being able to communicate in spite of one person becoming an animal. The senpai triad had made decent progress down their chosen path, relying on Mitsuru's actions and tone of voice in order to interpret her meaning.

"Eat your heart out, Aigis!" Shinjiro joked, not for the first time.

Mitsuru swatted at him and then just randomly decided to flop down on the ground, wagging her tail languidly.

Akihiko assumed she was complaining and decided to offer some consolation. "Hey, it could be worse...you could be a monkey." Mitsuru lifted her head and stared him down. "No, I'm still not over that! Who the hell gives someone a wild animal for a pet?"

"C'mon, let's get a move on. I haven't seen hide nor h-I mean, I haven't seen that rabbit this whole time!" Shinjiro was getting impatient. Mitsuru got up, stretched, and proceeded down the path as if it was her idea in the first place. "Well, I'll tell you what – she's sure got this cat thing down pat."

"You're just mad she won't let you pet her," Akihiko smirked.

"Tch. Wouldn't want to intrude on your territory, Monkey Boy."

Akihiko prayed that Mitsuru was out of earshot as he brandished his fist. "Quit saying that unless you want to taste blood again!"

"MEOWWWW!"

Both boys were quick to react to Mitsuru's summons regardless of what form it took. They jogged down the path to find the heiress sitting in front of a dead end.

"Great," said Shinjiro, "Now what?"

"Can everyone hear me?" said Fuuka. "Have you all reached a dead end?"

"Yeah!"

"Arf!"

"Affirmative."

"Over here, too."

Fuuka's voice came back. "There's got to be a way out hidden somewhere. Try looking for it."

* * *

While Aigis scanned the surrounding area, Koromaru sniffed and sniffed as he tried to catch that rabbit's scent. Instead, he found a wisp of air coming from a minuscule crack in the wall. As he started digging furiously, Ken exclaimed, "We've got it!"

* * *

There were no cracks in the senpai trio's wall. Akihiko punched every garish decoration he saw to no avail, while Shinjiro tugged on all the detailing.

"No dice," grumbled Shinjiro.

"What, do we have to say a magic word?" said Akihiko as he flexed his sore hands. He turned back to see if Mitsuru had anything to say about that, only to find her staring at the ceiling. "You see something?"

Mitsuru's tail was twitching slightly and she made a chittering sound very similar to Rei's.

"Aki!" Shinjiro cried. "Up there – that one spot on the wall is a different color!"

"Well, neither one of us can get it, so it's up to you, Mitsuru." Akihiko stooped to pick Mitsuru up and couldn't help but notice that she was tense. Wired, the way he always got before a boxing match. "Heh," he chuckled as she leapt out of his arms and onto a protruding sculpture, "even as a cat, you're still amazing."

* * *

The others had already tried both high and low as Zen and Yukari used their bows to poke into cracks and crevices along the wall. Makoto had stepped back to get some perspective, but saw no emerging patterns or suspicious patches.

"Whreep!" Rei was apparently hungry as she began chewing on some of the decorations.

"Rei, you can't eat those," Zen chided her, "They are made of pulp, remember?"

But Rei kept chewing. As she took a bite of something that looked like a tart, a loud click sounded.

Yukari jumped and hid behind Makoto. "Wh-what was that?"

Suddenly, the wall itself began moving. It split in half and separated to reveal a passageway.

"Looks like we're free," Makoto said casually, as if he hadn't been just as uneasy as the others. He, Yukari and Zen spilled out the doorway to find the others doing the same thing next to them.

"Great job, everybody!" Fuuka cheered.

"Wait, so all three paths led to the same place?" Junpei realized. "We could've just picked one!"

"I don't think so, Junpei-kun," replied Fuuka, "There were three switches that had to be activated before any of the walls would open. It wouldn't have worked with just one of them."

Zen was looking around. "Where's Rei?"

"Uggggghhhh..." a voice came from inside one of the tunnels. Human Rei stumbled out, clutching her stomach. "Zen? I don't feel so good. Why did the food try to hurt me?"

"Rei! You've changed back!"

"I did?" Rei glanced down at herself and gasped. "I have hands! I can hold takoyaki skewers!"

"It appears that the transformation wore off after our goals were accomplished," Aigis concluded.

"Thank goodness!" Mitsuru came out of the left tunnel on two legs, scrunching up her human nose in disgust. "Trying to corral these two idiots is hard enough as a human being." Koromaru went over to Mitsuru with his head hanging down, begging for forgiveness. "It's all right, Koromaru, I forgive you. 'No harm done', as they say." He perked up immediately.

"I don't know about you, but I've just about had enough of Wonderland," Yukari grumbled.

Fuuka chimed in. "It looks like you're almost at the top. There are only two floors left!"

"Hey," Makoto added, "look who's back." Two ears and a twitching nose peeked out from behind a rosebush. The white rabbit emerged, sized up the teens, and hopped off through another passageway.

Akihiko snapped his fingers triumphantly. "Looks like the game's back on!"

"For crying out loud," Shinjiro muttered. He sighed. "Can we just agree to not touch anything from now on? No potions, no ropes, no weird shit we can't eat."

"Did you want a donut, Shin-chan?" Rei asked him. She produced a donut from...who knows where and began snacking on it. "You can eat tons of them, 'cause they're full of smiles!"

"Is this true?" Aigis once again didn't get figures of speech. "Are donuts not full of yeast? I must update my records."

"...aaand we're back to this again." Junpei pulled the brim of his hat down.

Makoto just smirked as he lead the team through the rest of the labyrinth, confident that nothing could possibly be stranger than what had already happened.

The only thing he would eat later would be his words.


	6. Chapter 6: Swear Allegiance

Sorry for the minor spoiler. This interlude was cut from the upcoming chapters of Shadowborne because it wasn't Persona/Shadow related.

This'll be the last P3 chapter for a while. Some P4 chapters will be posted later.

* * *

The mood in the Kirijo mansion was grim. Watching Mitsuru's therapy sessions may have given the Shadow Operatives and Investigation Team insight on Mitsuru's past, but they did nothing to improve her present outlook.

As another video ended with teen Mitsuru complaining about meeting Shinjiro, causing Ken to squirm uncomfortably in his seat, Kanji made a dangerous observation. "You musta really hated that guy, huh?" he said.

Mitsuru picked her head up and stared at him for a while before responding. "No." she said softly.

"Really could've fooled me for a while there," Akihiko chuckled. "I was scared shitless to leave the two of you alone for the longest time!" When Mitsuru laughed – for the first time that day – he couldn't help but look puzzled. "What's so funny?"

Mitsuru was still laughing. "Shinjiro made a primer out of that very phrase-"

"-when he taught you to swear! Oh, man..." Now Akihiko joined in on the laughter.

"I suppose one couldn't have asked for a more qualified teacher."

"You never did tell me what brought that on."

"Well...I swore that I wouldn't, but..." Mitsuru had finally begun to look like her old self again. "There's no sense in hiding it now."

* * *

Akihiko would not be returning home from boxing practice for another 90 minutes. Mitsuru **had** hoped to spend that time reading, something she rarely found time to do with two rambunctious teenaged boys now living with her. Yet here she stood, on the ground floor landing of their dormitory, reacting in shock to a heretofore impossible request from the most unlikely source possible.

"You need my assistance with **what**?"

"Dammit, Kirijo, don't make me say it again!" Shinjiro stood before her, an uncharacteristic blush on his scowling face.

"I'm just wondering why you would come to me with something like this."

Shinjiro scoffed and looked away. "Pretty sure you're a girl."

"Only 'pretty sure'? Well...you **do** need help, don't you?" Oh, she was going to relish the opportunity to have Shinjiro Aragaki at her mercy, even for something she would never admit to having no experience with.

"You're gonna be worse than Aki about this, aren't you?"

"Oh, no, I am more than vaguely aware that the opposite sex exists." This managed to get a laugh from him. If there was one thing Mitsuru and Shinjiro could agree on, it was Akihiko and his single-mindedness. "Fujimoto, you said?"

"Yeah. Emi Fujimoto. Sits next to me in Geometry. She's got this little face...I don't know, it's not so bad to look at every now and then! Shit."

"Why do you suppose she's suddenly expressed interest in you?"

"Beats the hell out of me! I'm not exactly a brain, so why is she hanging over my shoulder trying to 'read my notes'? Even Aki takes better notes than me – and if you tell him I said that, he's gonna find out who threw his protein shit away."

Mitsuru sighed. "Must you always curse?"

"What the hell's wrong with swearing? We're not in elementary school, for fuck's sake! Everyone does it – except for you."

"I have quite a few things to attend to, Shinjiro." Mitsuru turned to go upstairs, and was almost shocked enough to cry out when Shinjiro placed a hand on her arm.

"Wait, Mitsuru..."

Her given name. He'd never used it before; he was always quick to remind her that she was a Kirijo, inescapably linked to the Kirijo that created the Dark Hour and started this whole Shadow/Persona business. It was enough to make her turn back to see the desperation in his face. If Shinjiro could approach her in spite of their differences, and she refused him, what kind of person would that make her?

"Lesson number one: Women are not impressed by vulgarity."

The trouble was not educating Shinjiro in etiquette. He was at the very least, an attentive student, even if he didn't particularly care for some of the material. What caused the most trouble was his insistence that Akihiko remained unaware of what was going on between them.

"He's gonna give me so much he-uh, **grief** ," Shinjiro groused one afternoon. They'd been working on posture and appearance, but she allowed him one brief moment to lay his head back on the couch. "He's always going on and on about how he wants us all to be one big, happy family, or some crap like that." Mitsuru rolled her eyes, and he scoffed. "What, is 'crap' too nasty for you? You realize you're not gonna last one day in the business world with all of these men. What if they wanna take you out for a drink at some bar to clinch a deal? If you can't handle being among the "vulgar commoners", nobody's gonna wanna work with you."

"You have a **severely** fundamental misunderstanding of how the business world works!" chided Mitsuru.

"I understand how _**guys**_ work. Take the fancy suit off, and there'll be a guy underneath. Guys swear, Mitsuru. It's a stress reliever – well, it's a stress reliever that you can do with your clothes on." Mitsuru gasped in disgust. "Don't tell me you don't know about **that** , either!"

"If these are the sort of conversational topics you plan on using with Fujimoto-"

"What if **she** swears?"

"Well, then perhaps you two are perfect for each other!"

Shinjiro went silent for a moment, and then a rare grin snuck its way onto his face. "If you don't swear," he wondered, "then how do you know when I'm swearing?"

"I attend public school, Shinjiro. It's unfortunately difficult to avoid." She demonstrated how to properly sit on the furniture and obscured his face with her teacup. "Also, if the words are leaving **your** mouth, there's a very good chance that they are indeed crude and inappropriate."

"Aki swears too, y'know."

"Not in front of me, he doesn't!"

"Tch. He's still doing his whole 'impress you' bullshit so you won't throw us out on our asses."

Mitsuru winced as if the words were doing her physical harm. She inhaled sharply.

"You can't do it, can you?" smirked Shinjiro. "You can't even repeat what's been said back to you. You seriously think you're gonna shrivel up and die just for using one little 'socially unacceptable minced oath', don't you!"

Fuming, Mitsuru stood up straighter than he'd ever seen her and loudly declared, "It's not Akihiko who's in danger of being thrown out on his ass!" Then she stormed out of the room and up the stairs.

" **Ha**!" he shouted after her.

 _Perhaps Castor was capable of learning transference spells,_ Mitsuru thought to herself as she watched Shinjiro hold open the door for her. "Why, thank you, Shinjiro." _You asshole._

She'd been thinking in profanity for days now. Not very much – just the occasional observation that so-and-so was a bastard – but it was enough to make her worry that she just might blurt out something horribly nasty in front of her father. Even Shinjiro somehow managed to curb his swearing in front of her father!

Shinjiro himself had made marked improvements in his language and social skills. She suspected he would leave the lessons every night and scream profanities directed at her into his pillow, but he at least made a conscious effort to rein himself in. Mitsuru actually found herself slightly proud of the boy. When he wanted something, he was willing to put in the effort to achieve it. Now, if only he would show that kind of dedication to his studies!

They were discussing the Summer Festival and how to go about asking Emi Fujimoto to go with him when Akihiko arrived home earlier than anticipated. "Hey," he said, "are we all home at the same time?"

Almost immediately, Mitsuru and Shinjiro moved to opposite ends of the room and put as much distance between them as possible.

"Was it something I said?"

"I look like an idiot."

"Oh, you do not."

"Yes, I do, I look like a _**fucking**_ idiot!"

Shinjiro's hair was an entity all in itself. Mitsuru was beginning to realize why he insisted on wearing a beanie as often as possible. It simply refused to do anything but lie flat on his head like a dead raccoon.

"Well, perhaps she'll be so taken aback by your courtesy that she won't notice," was the best Mitsuru could offer as she attempted to brush an insistent bit of lint off Shinjiro's coat. "I do wish you'd leave the coat behind as well. It makes you appear to be slouching even when you aren't."

"I like my coat."

"But will Fujimoto like it?"

"Well, she liked me in the first damn place, didn't she?"

"Yes, and I am still flabbergasted by that fact." Mitsuru wiped her hands on her skirt and then regretted it. "Well, I suppose that's the best we can do in this case."

"Oh, boy, oh, boy – did I graduate from charm school, Sensei?" He tried to sneak his hat into his coat pocket.

"Give me the goddamned hat, Shinjiro."

"Ehh...lame, but improving. I give it a 2 out of 5. You're not gonna tell Aki, right?"

"I did promise you that I wouldn't."

This did little to reassure him. "Do I still look like an idiot?"

"No, you look..."

Shinjiro smiled. "Yeah?"

"You look scared...shitless." Even while cursing, she managed to enunciate properly.

"There ya go!"

"Have I graduated from swearing school, Sensei?"

"Wiseass."

"Good luck, Shinjiro."

"Thanks, Mitsuru."

Akihiko had been on edge the entire afternoon. Shinjiro had gone to the library to ask Fujimoto out, but hadn't told Akihiko anything about it. Mitsuru did her best to act as if she couldn't care less about Shinjiro, but she was worried as well. How would he deal with rejection? Would it crush him? Would Akihiko be angry at her for setting his best friend up for disappointment?

"You sure you didn't see Shinji today?" Akihiko was asking her for the fifth time.

"Akihiko, for the last time, I swear to you that I have no idea where Shinjiro has gone." _Please let him believe me!_ "I'm sure he'll return before the Dark Hour happens, if that's what you're worried about."

But Akihiko had stopped dead. "That's funny," he said quietly.

"Hmm?"

"Don't you usually call him 'Aragaki'?"

 _Well...shit._

Mitsuru drew on all the charm, etiquette, and manners she had used to instruct Shinjiro and prayed something believable would come out when she opened her mouth to speak. "I suppose I owe you an apology, Akihiko. You and Shinjiro both. I've been thinking quite a bit lately about our initial dealings with one another, and I've realized that I may have been...unduly harsh. You and he are very dear to one another. I realize that now. It might surprise you to hear that I actually envy your friendship with Shinjiro. I've...never actually had anyone I could consider a...'best friend'."

It wasn't a completely fabricated story. Spending time with Shinjiro had shown her qualities that Akihiko must have been aware of all along. He had taught her just as much as she taught him. "If you are worried, then I will worry alongside you – if you'll let me, of course."

Akihiko didn't react at first, and then he did something completely unexpected.

He hugged Mitsuru.

What an awkward picture they must have made; Akihiko enthusiastically grasping Mitsuru and then fretting over where his hands had landed, Mitsuru standing stock-still, eyes popping out of her head, unsure how to react to something uncomfortably comfortable and fretting over where Akihiko's hands had landed. And naturally, it was at this moment that Shinjiro chose to crash into the dorm, slamming the door so forcefully it rattled on its hinges. He took one look at the somewhat-embracing teens and steam came out of his ears.

"Oh, fuck you both! What, is everybody hooking up now?"

"Shinji? What the hell are you talking about? Where've you been?"

Shinjiro stomped over to the two of them and stopped in front of...Mitsuru. "You forgot to tell me what to do if the girl was full of shit, Sensei."

"What?" Akihiko was utterly confused.

"What happened?" Mitsuru sighed.

"She didn't give two shits about me at all, she was putting on a show – for Aki!"

Mitsuru raised an eyebrow. "She's less intelligent than the two of you put together."

"Yeah, she thought buttering me up would get her in good with the Golden Boy, since he only talks to two people: me and you – and she wasn't about to get all buddy-buddy with you! Do I fucking look like Aki's dating service?"

Poor Akihiko. "Wait, WHAT?"

"Shinjiro...I have no idea what to tell you. Well, no – I have a vague idea of what to tell you, and I suppose this would be the first occasion where it is actually appropriate."

"Well, if you please, Madam, may I hear your expert advice?"

Mitsuru flashed a very Shinjiro-like smile. "Screw that bitch."

" **WHAAAAT!?** "

* * *

Present-day Akihiko seemed just as confused. "Shinji...liked a girl?"

"Yes," Mitsuru replied. "Believe me, I was just as surprised as you are."

"And he asked you to teach him some manners so he could impress this girl?"

"Again, yes."

"And in return, he taught you how to swear?"

"How is it that you are even less intuitive now than you were then?"

"I'm not even sure which part's the strangest."

"Uh, how about the part where a girl was into you and you had no clue?" offered Junpei.

At this, Akihiko perked up. He had found the perfect retort. "Screw you, Junpei." Now everyone laughed.

Perhaps Mitsuru might actually be able to sleep tonight.


	7. Chapter 7: Grade A

My first P4 one-shot! A school project shows the Investigation Team that parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be. Post-Ultimax. Implied KanNao and, uh...Chosuke? I don't know if Yosuke/Chie has a ship name. Junesteak?

I don't know if Japanese schools actually do this, but I needed a quick "couple-up" plot.

* * *

With no Shadows to vanquish or serial killers to take down, the members of the Investigation Team returned to their not-so-secret-identities as regular reluctant high school students. Life in Inaba had returned to its quiet, small-town routine, to their disappointment. It was probably for the best; their leader Yu Narukami was no longer with them, after all. They were unfortunately free to concentrate on their school careers – a fact that dogged the elder IT members even during their lunch hour.

"Okay, I've made another decision," Yosuke Hanamura declared for the fifth time that day. He balled up another denied application to a local cram school and hit a window instead of his intended target of the wastebasket three feet to the left.

Chie Satonaka looked at the collection of paper balls on the floor and put more effort into her snark than she was into her studying. "What – you're gonna be a janitor?"

Beside her, Yukiko Amagi looked puzzled. "Well, he's not a very good one. Aren't janitors supposed to _**pick up**_ paper that's on the floor?" She thought for a second. "Oh! Perhaps janitors in the TV World actually do the opposite of what they do here. You could be a TV World janitor, Yosuke-kun!"

"What the hell kinda career is a TV World janitor?" asked Yosuke.

"No, no, this could actually work!" Chie hitched a ride on Yukiko's train of thought. "Like, instead of cleaning up the bathrooms, they pee on the floor! It's the job you were born to do!"

Yukiko nodded happily. "Mm-hmm! And wasn't he wearing a trashcan when he first met Yu-kun?"

" **I AM NOT GOING TO BE A TV WORLD JANITOR!"** Yosuke's frustration doubled at the mention of their absent friend who had left him outnumbered.

Fortunately for him, someone who missed Yu even more happened by. "Who's yelling about the TV World out in the open?" Rise Kujikawa, now starring as a second-year, was walking down the hall and poked her head into the classroom when she heard Yosuke screaming.

"Yosuke's just being his usual idiotic self," Chie explained.

Rise accepted this with a smile. "Oh, I thought something out of the ordinary had happened."

Yosuke almost fell off his desk. "Step right up, everybody! Take your free shot at Yosuke!" he griped. "Who's next?"

As luck would have it, the remaining IT members chose that moment to arrive. Naoto Shirogane and Kanji Tatsumi also heard Yosuke's voice carrying through the halls and joined the others. Yosuke was too distressed to even tease them about showing up together.

"Don't you think it's kinda early to be talkin' about your next Culture Festival display?" Kanji asked. At everyone's puzzled looks, he continued, "Everybody throwin' shit at Yosuke-senpai? I mean, it's a good idea; whaddya gonna call it, 'Sock a Senior', or...?"

"I would hope," added Naoto, "that participants had better aim than whoever was attempting to hit the wastebasket in here."

Yosuke made a noise that indicated he was trying to swallow his own tongue and went to leave the classroom – only to quickly back into the doorway as another person sauntered in after him.

"Well, isn't this cozy?" Ms. Kashiwagi had inherited the title of Worst Teacher at Yasogami High after the late King Moron was killed. What a shame that his murderer had disappeared. "Why is it all the little miscreants seem to find one another?" Kashiwagi turned her predatory grin on Naoto. "This isn't your class. Get out."

Naoto didn't flinch. "We were just leaving. Rise-san, Kanji-kun?" The second-years left just as the third-years began returning from lunch. Kanji made it about three steps before the doorway was blocked by an immovable, snarky force.

"What are you doing in this class?" Hanako Ohtani snorted as she leered at Kanji with small, watery eyes, "Did you get lost 'cause you don't come to school often enough to know where you're going?"

"Wish **you'd** get lost, fat ass," Kanji muttered as Naoto pulled him away before he could get into any more trouble.

When the class had filled up, Kashiwagi slammed the door purposefully and strode over to the desk, lounging on it as if she were a pinup model. "Listen up, you little brats," she began, "since you're all young and stupid, the principal has decided that we have to give you a little assignment." She reached into her bag and removed a carton of eggs. "You're going to learn how aggravating it is to raise children with someone. You have until the end of the period to pair up and take an egg."

"Are we making them breakfast?" asked Daisuke Nagase, his bandaged nose wrinkling in confusion. Next to him, his long-suffering friend Kou Ichijo facepalmed.

"God, I hope you never breed," Kashiwagi muttered. She opened the carton and held up an egg. "This is your child," she explained, "it has to be watched and cared for at all times. Otherwise..." She dropped the egg and it exploded as it hit the floor. Everyone flinched. "Get it now? Breaking your egg is an instant failure." The stunned students weren't sure how to react. "Oh, what, is this the one day of the year you're not a bunch of horndogs? COUPLE UP!"

The room quickly became a cacophony of chairs scraping against the floor as the students awkwardly began asking one another if they could raise an egg baby together. Only the Persona-users remained seated.

"Do you believe this?" griped Yosuke. "What the hell kind of assignment is carrying an egg around?

"I think it could be fun," Yukiko said, "You could put little hats on it, and call it 'Hosokawa'. Oh! Or even 'Ashikaga'!"

"So you've already got names picked out, Yukiko?" Yosuke had a creepy smile on his face as he attempted to get closer to Yukiko-

-only to be unceremoniously blocked by Chie. "Yeah, but you can't exactly carry a raw egg around in your bookbag," she pointed out. "It's bound to break, and then Kashiwagi's gonna fail us all."

Kou had approached the group. "You guys already choose?" he asked, "Half the class is paired up already." Chie didn't seem to notice that Kou was blushing in her direction as he continued, "So, uh...I was wondering if...uh..."

Chie immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. "Sheesh, you guys and your Amagi Challenge!" she griped, "I'll bet you were just overjoyed at the chance to get with Yukiko!" Kou visibly shrunk.

"Hmm? Did you say something, Chie?" Yukiko herself appeared to have been somewhere else the entire time.

Chie just shook her head. "You'd better hurry up and pick somebody before these idiots start brawling with each other over you!"

"Oh, well, in that case...I think I'll go with 'Tokugawa'."

"Is he even in this class?" asked Yosuke.

"Poor Kou-kun," Chie laughed as she shook her head.

Poor Kou-kun, indeed. He began to say something else, only to recoil in horror as Hanako's shadow suddenly engulfed the four of them.

"Nobody wants you losers, huh?" Hanako jeered. "You'd better act fast; you're running out of options." She eyed Yosuke and Kou with a predatory grin. "It's your lucky day, boys! I've turned down every boy who asked me."

"And then you woke up?" Yosuke muttered just low enough for only his friends to hear.

"How about it, Hanamura?" Hanako had clearly been getting tips from Kashiwagi on how to look as unattractive as possible.

Yosuke was panicking. He couldn't afford to fail this class, but he'd rather eat Mystery Food X for a year than spend any time with Hanako. Caught between the slutty Scylla and the chunky Charybdis, his mouth reacted without the consent of his brain. "Oh, I-I...I already said I'd...d-do it with, uh..."

 _Say "Yukiko!"_ his brain shouted.

"Uh...Chie!"

 _What?!_

"What?" said Hanako.

"What?" said Kou.

"WHAAAAAT?" said Chie, nearly falling out of her chair.

 _Oh, dammit, we're an idiot!_

Hanako looked chagrined for a moment before recovering. "Wow, Hanamura, you have really weird taste!"

Again, his mouth stepped out of line. "Yeah, I guess taste really would be important to someone like you," Yosuke quipped immediately.

"Is that true, Chie-chan?" Kou asked. He sounded like he was going to cry.

It was now Chie's turn to find herself in a bind. Normally, she would have instantly refuted the claim, but Hanako's snide remark irritated her. It might almost be worth being chained to Yosuke if it would shut her up. Plus, she didn't have a partner, either. She normally buddied up with Yukiko for school projects...but Kashiwagi probably wouldn't let that slide this time. "Oh yeah, yeah! Right! It sure is true, yep! Me and Yosuke...ha-ha?" Oh, she was gonna kick him to the **moon** for this!

* * *

Commiserating at Junes that afternoon wasn't fun for anyone – except perhaps Yukiko, who had already started her list of general names based on what her egg-child's "aura" was giving off. She had been so spacey that she was literally the last girl to need a partner, and ended up with Daisuke, of all people. Surprisingly, it was an oddly perfect match – Yukiko had changed the egg's name at least three times during class, and Daisuke never once called her on it...probably because he never remembered what the original name actually was.

The first years arrived looking like they'd been exposed in front of everyone, except Rise, who was skipping triumphantly. "You GUYYYS!" she sang, "You aren't going to believe this!"

"Cut it out, Rise!" grumbled Kanji. His face was pale, and he was sniffling more than usual.

Naoto had practically covered her face with the brim of her hat, but the slight glimpse of skin visible was bright red. In addition to her briefcase, she also carried...was that a basket?

Rise was deep in idol-mode. "Aww! You guys have little eggs, too? It almost makes me wish I was gonna be here this week." She paused briefly to pout...then began sparkling enough to rival Teddie. "But I got to see the best part!"

"Rise-san," Naoto mumbled. She sat down at the IT table and placed the basket down. Inside was an egg, nestled in a bundle of fabric.

Rise somehow managed to strong-arm Kanji towards the table. "Kanji-kun here," she said, " **actually managed to** _ **ask Naoto-kun in front of everybody to be his egg-mommy!**_ " She couldn't help herself anymore and let out a girly squeal. "And then we had to take him to the nurse's office because he bled everywhere as usual."

"It ain't funny, so shut up!" Kanji threw himself into a chair next to Naoto, his anger slightly deflating as he remembered the basket between them.

"But it was very courageous," Naoto said softly, and Kanji lifted up the egg to swipe a pile of tissues from underneath it to immediately dab at his nose with.

"Well, hey, it's better than dribbling it down your chin like this idiot!" said Chie. Ignoring the fact that there were two steaks in front of her – a peace offering from Yosuke – she made a goofy face and in a low voice, mocked, "Uh-guh-duhhhh...Chie!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, now, I'll never have kids at all, thanks to you and your Galactic Punts, so I'm not happy, either!" Yosuke griped, wincing as he leaned forward.

Rise had been standing there with her mouth agape. "You asked Chie-senpai? That's so CUTE!" She danced around the table looking as if her birthday fell on White Day. "This is the best day ever!"

Yosuke had been sitting with his legs awkwardly clamped together when he realized something. "Wait, where'd you put it, anyway?"

"The egg? I gave it to you." Chie began carving into her steak.

"But I gave it back to you after school let out! Dammit, Chie, you lost our assigned kid?"

"Hold on! I think it's in my pocket." Chie fished around in her jacket and finally found the egg. "See? There!" She put it on the table.

"You were just carryin' your egg around in your pocket?!" Kanji's bloody tissues fell away from his face as he stared at his senpai. "That's no way to carry a kid! You could have squashed it! It could have fallen out and hit the ground and gotten all cracked, and..." He scooped up their egg and gingerly laid it in his and Naoto's basket next to their own. "We're babysittin' now," he declared.

A grin slowly made its way across Yosuke's face. "You made that, didn't you, Kanji?"

"Yeah, so what?" Kanji sneered. "How else are you gonna carry around an egg? It's fragile." He tried to find a direction to look in that didn't include smug Yosuke, delighted Rise, or trying-to-disappear Naoto.

"You said you weren't going to be here, Rise-chan?" Yukiko had finished her list.

Rise's face fell. "Yeah, I've got back-to-back photo shoots this week, so I asked to be excused. It's just as well; Senpai isn't here anymore, anyway."

"The two of you aren't even in the same grade level," Naoto pointed out.

"Ours is a forbidden love," Rise sighed. Even the eggs would be rolling their eyes, if they had them.

* * *

Midway through the week, it became clear that this assignment would test more than their knowledge. After several pairs of students had unwittingly killed their pseudochildren, many had taken to Kanji's idea of baskets. When Daisuke left his and Yukiko's egg at home, Kashiwagi made everyone start keeping a daily log and limiting "sitters" to one day per parent.

Ai Ebihara had conveniently been absent from class the day of the assignment, so Kou volunteered to fill her in when she returned. She spent the rest of the day blushing furiously. A few days later, however, she stomped into class haughtily. "Where is that deadbeat?" she fumed. Kou had been eagerly listening to Chie bash Yosuke, but when Ai aimed her sights at him, he dove under his desk. " **You**! Why haven't you been answering any of my texts? I've had this thing for **three straight days!** How am I supposed to sho-er, _**study**_ while carrying around an egg?" She shoved the egg, which was suspiciously resting in a takeout cup from Chagall, into Kou's hands. "It's your turn to be burdened with the kid now."

"Yeah, right!" Kou found a sliver of courage, "You're just fobbing it off on me so you can skip school again!"

Chie had custody today, and her egg with Yosuke was snug in a sneaker. Kanji had offered to make up baskets for everyone, but Yosuke had blanched at carrying anything even remotely girly around. "So then the idiot tells me he left the egg with Teddie. TEDDIE! I mean, seriously?" Chie was complaining. "Teddie would forget his own head – you know what, he probably **has** forgotten his own head! How could he take care of a raw egg?"

"He probably tried to teach it how to score a hot stud." Yukiko grumbled. She still wasn't over that. "I'd get a new one, if I were you."

Chie looked around nervously. "Well, uh...don't tell Yosuke, but I...may have...dented it a little." she confessed. At Yukiko's look, she blurted out, "I forgot it was in my shoe, okay? I overslept and I was hurrying to get dressed, and..." She mimed stepping on something. "All eggs look alike, right? Yosuke's too stupid to notice it's a different one, isn't he?"

"Maybe scoring with Teddie wasn't so bad after all." Yukiko's egg was being toted around in a little hat folded out of a restaurant napkin by one of the Amagi Inn's maids . "Daisuke-kun has been very irresponsible with Oniniwa."

Yosuke walked into the room, deeply engrossed in his phone.

Yosuke: So yeah, I finally found Teddie in the frozen food section – guess what he was doing?

Partner: Oh, boy.

Yosuke: I told him to treat the egg like it was an actual child.

Yosuke: "But, Yosuke, kids LOVE Topsicles!"

Partner: He's not wrong.

Yosuke: Yeah, but then he tried to clean the sticky egg by giving it a hot bath!

Partner: In retrospect, you probably should have seen this coming.

Partner: Have you told Chie?

Yosuke looked at Chie animatedly acting out one of her kung fu movies to an audience of eggs and visibly gulped.

Yosuke: Are you kidding? She'd beat the hell out of me, and it would NOT be over easy!

Yosuke: Don't you say a word to her, either! I mean, it should be okay, right? All eggs pretty much look the same, don't they?

Yu was quiet for a while, and then he came back with one of his usual zingers.

Partner: It will all work out okay.

Partner: Oh, there's the bell. Gotta scramble.

Yosuke: I hate you sometimes.

* * *

Finally, the week of parenting had reached its end, with all the eggs in one piece. The Investigation Team agreed to hold a ceremonial smashing at Junes once it was all over. The initial idea was for the girls to make omelets, but that was immediately shot down by everyone with taste buds. Smashing the eggs actually seemed more humane.

Teddie had gotten bored traumatizing children by popping out of his suit and nearly tackled his friends at they arrived at the food court. "Hiii, mommies and daddies! Come to kill all your children?"

The entire food court went silent. One woman actually dropped her tray.

"Oh, god, Ted, you didn't just yell that out loud!" Yosuke grimaced. Through gritted teeth, he declared, "You are so fired. You are more fired than fired could ever possibly be. You're super fired!" The crowd gave them a wide berth.

Naoto attempted to calm things down by changing the subject. "How did you do on your assignment, Senpai?" she asked.

"Believe it or not," Yosuke replied, "we got a B."

"Chie, you passed something!" Yukiko cheered, not understanding why Chie was now glaring daggers at her.

"Kashiwagi said she was amazed we managed to keep the egg from breaking for an entire week," Yosuke added, avoiding Chie's eye, "Imagine that, huh?" he chuckled a little too loudly.

Chie echoed him. "Ha, ha...yeah!" She couldn't look at Yosuke, either.

Daisuke-kun and I got a B as well," said Yukiko, "I asked him if he wanted to say goodbye to Watanabe, but he seemed distracted for some reason."

"He's probably never had a B in his entire life," Chie joked. "Can you believe Kou-kun and Ai-chan got a D?"

"You mean she didn't fail 'em outright?" asked Kanji, "They were screamin' at each other up and down the hallways all afternoon!"

"They're apparently continuing their argument over the phone tonight," said Naoto, "and down by the floodplains tomorrow...and at the movies this Saturday."

"That was unexpected," said Chie.

"Not entirely," Yosuke groaned. He began texting. "Dammit, now I owe Yu 200 yen!"

"What about you two? What grade did you get?" Yukiko asked the two kohai.

Kanji grinned, a rare sight for the perpetually scowling craftsman. "You ready for this?" Once he was sure he had a full audience, he beamed. "We got an freakin' A!" Their friends cheered for the reluctant couple, and Kanji shrugged. "Well, Naoto got us an A."

"Oh, I disagree," Naoto said shyly, "It was Kanji's diligence and attention to detail that helped us achieve a passing grade. He'll make an excellent father someday." She didn't realize her mistake until the others stared at her with open mouths, and then she pulled her hat down over her reddening face and tried to become one with her chair.

"So, everything worked out in the end," Teddie happily declared. " **Now let's smash these babies!** " Whatever customers remained in the food court quickly packed up and took off.

"You know, Teddie," Yukiko had been unfolding her napkin hat, "You're kind of egg-shaped yourself. If we smash you into the ground, will _**you**_ crack?"

"Sh-she's still scary!" Kanji whimpered, wide-eyed, as he angled himself away from her.

"Yeah, okay. Teddie, did you bring the plastic?" Teddie and Yosuke spread a sheet of plastic material used to bind pallets over the table. "This way I can just clean up the mess and throw it away without my dad blowing a gasket." They stood with their eggs in hand, slightly hesitant.

Kanji looked uneasy, so Naoto made it worse by gently touching his hand. "Would you prefer that I do it?" she asked him, and he nodded mutely and handed the egg over to her. It wasn't readily clear if he was sniffling due to blood or tears.

Yosuke had his and Chie's egg. "Okay, so...umm...here goes?" Even he felt strange. "On three? 1...2...3." The eggs showed little resistance against the metal table. For a moment, everyone just stared down at the yellowy mess, not knowing what to do next.

Leave it to Teddie to ruin the mood. "Wow...kids are messy."

As Yosuke removed the mess, Kanji turned to Naoto. Without a project to work on, did they have any other reason to spend time together? "Feels weird, don't it? Bein' a parent and then suddenly not bein' one anymore?"

"I am sure we'll have plenty of opportunities in the future," said Naoto, "This was an eye-opening experience. Thank you for sharing it with me."

That was the end of Kanji's nasal passages. Naoto's natural smile was nearly as rare as Kanji's – and more often than not, it was usually directed at him as well. "Y-yeah, s-sure. Uh, right back atcha!" He slapped himself looking for a tissue or napkin or anything he could use to stem the red tide.

"I have to say, I was surprised that you actually asked me," Naoto continued, not making a big deal over his bloody nose because she knew that made it worse."

"What, are you kidding? Of course I'd have kids with you!" The change in pressure in Kanji's head insured that he didn't realize how loud he'd gotten.

Everyone's jaws dropped again. "Aaand now I owe Yu FIVE hundred yen!" Yosuke threw up his hands. "Thanks a lot, Kanji!"

Anyone left in the Junes food court that afternoon would have thought those teenagers had cracked.

* * *

"Grade A" is both a quality ranking for eggs (it's actually the middle ranking), and of course the best grade you can get for a school project. eggcyclopedia/g/grading

Yukiko seems to have a thing for the Sengoku era, since she keeps renaming Koromaru with generals' names in Persona Q. I just picked a few at random.

Also, I haven't seen the animation, but apparently Daisuke gets stuck with Yukiko at the Group Date Cafe, so I guess there's a precedent?

"Caught between the Scylla and Charybdis" is another way of saying "caught between a rock and a hard place" I'm just a sucker for alliteration.


	8. Chapter 8: Galactic Pun

Well, SEES was rather shocked to see Mara - how do you think the Investigation Team will react?

This chapter takes place after King Moron's murder, during the Void Quest dungeon.

ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

* * *

Yu never ceased to be amazed by Personas. There were skeletons riding hellhounds, demons with six breasts, a grumpy demon looking very uncomfortable on a toilet...who dreams these things up? Even funnier were the looks on his friends' faces when he'd summon something totally outlandish. The other day, he found Alice, of all things. She looked sweet enough (actually, she kind of resembled Teddie, but that was a path he'd rather not go down), but she took out FOUR huge Shadows before Rise could even finish describing them...just by pointing. Alice was terrifying.

Margaret always chuckled when she saw Yu enter the Velvet Room with his wallet out, knowing he was going to dive headfirst into the Compendium. He was beginning to run out of options at this point, however. "Have you quite finished?" she asked as the pages flipped for him.

"There's one more left that's...that's an interesting picture," Yu quipped.

"Indeed it is," agreed Margaret. Normally she wouldn't raise an eyebrow at the unusual creatures in this book, but something about this one was...intriguing. Her master agreed to the summoning, and before long, Yu had...a Mara.

Yu remained outwardly calm. "Well."

"My sister warned me about this," Margaret deadpanned, "She left out quite a few details."

* * *

Yu figured he had learned his lesson about being greedy with the Personas, and took his comeuppance with a sense of humor. At least he got a powerful Persona out of it, even if it was a little...mature.

The problem happened when he got back to the others in the TV World and they gathered around him, having already figured out that when Yu stared off into space, he was getting something cool. So naturally, they wanted to see what he came back with this time.

"So, what'd you get?" Yosuke was asking.

"Are there any more dog ones?" Chie had been stretching while she waited, and she bounded up to him excitedly. "That dog Persona was soooo cute! It reminded me of Muku!"

Yukiko laughed, "Imagine Chosokabe as a Persona! What would his power be – drooling?"

"I'm sure it's really powerful, like you, Senpai," cooed Rise.

"Speaking of drooling," muttered Chie.

"How about another time, guys? It's getting late; I promised Nanako I'd proofread her essay before she went to bed," Yu stalled. He needed time to come up with an explanation for this guy that wouldn't get him slapped in the face.

"Aw, come on, Senpai!"

"Dude, we waited for you for like half an hour!"

They clearly weren't going to let him go without a exhibition. Perhaps he could trick them? "All right. You wanna see a new Persona? Here we go...uh...ta-da! Yoshitsune!"

"Seen it," Kanji declared.

"You sure?"

"I'm fairly certain I recall seeing that one," Naoto, who had been hanging back as per usual, spoke up. Leave it to her to not be easily fooled!

"No, no, he's got different skills, look!"

"You seem oddly averse to revealing your new Personas today, Senpai. Are you worried that we'll be offended by their appearance?" She had him dead to rights.

"Nothing could be worse than sexy snake people," said Chie. "That is wrong on so many levels." The girls had been slightly disturbed when Yu whipped out a Lamia or a Succubus, even though they were very useful. Why were all the useful Personas perverted?

The others were still staring at him. Yu supposed he could flash ohgodno _**BRIEFLY**_ _**SHOW**_ them the Persona and then get the hell back to Junes before they started asking questions. How bad could it possibly go?

(In retrospect, Yu would come to realize that that very question was what doomed him.)

The card appeared, and spun a little slower as if to say, "Are you sure you want this one?" Yu quickly crushed it before anyone could get a good look at it – and there was Mara.

* * *

Everyone froze, and their various facial expressions looked like an Internet reaction image.

Kanji recovered quickly. " **The hell!?** Is that a big-ass dick?"

"Is that the first thing that pops into your head, Kanji?" Yosuke needled him, "Look at him, he can't look away!"

"I'll pop YOU in the head! Y-You're the one starin' at it!"

"YU-KUN!?" Chie's jaw dropped, and she actually leapt in front of a surprisingly silent Yukiko.

"You were saying, about snakes?" Yosuke seemed unable to resist quipping.

"That is WORSE than the snakes! That's just gross!"

"It's clearly Freudian in nature," Naoto began talking at a very fast clip, her alto affectations slipping away as she began sweating. "Overcompensation. Wish fulfillment."

"Wanting to be a bigger dick than this Kubo kid," added Yosuke, knee-deep in his gallows humor – although he was **also** sweating.

 _Be cool, dude. Play it off, maybe they'll laugh._ "Ladies, gentlemen, and Teddie...meet Mara. I think he's really glad to see you."

" **YOU DID NOT JUST MAKE THAT JOKE!** " Chie was enraged. "Don't look, Yukiko. Don't give him the satisfaction."

"Snrk!"

"Oh, no, Yukiko, now is not the time!"

"Hahaha...BAHAHAHAHAHA!" It was a bit too much to expect Yukiko NOT to laugh at this point. Hell, he'd have laughed, too, if the joke wasn't on him.

" _Sen...pai?_ " Rise was at a loss for words for the first time since they'd met. Yu was sure she'd have a flirtatious joke or two to make at his expense, but she seemed to be struggling to breathe. The color drained out of her face and reappeared at her nostrils.

"Damn...girls do that, too?" Kanji was so shocked at Rise's nosebleed he'd forgotten all about his preferences being called into question. Luckily, this was his area of expertise. "Here ya go, wipe your nose."

Rise made a gurgling noise, and then keeled over.

"Rise-san!" Naoto was grateful for the distraction and busied herself with tending to Rise so she didn't have to look at anyone male.

"Pfft! HAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yukiko fell down right next to Rise, holding her stomach. "Chie, it's got-it's got wheels! There goes Yu-kun! WHEEEE!"

Chie pulled a horrified face. "Way to go, horndog, you broke Yukiko!"

Yosuke had turned his back on Mara but continued to steal glances over his shoulder, looking away whenever Kanji caught him. "Do we want to know where you got that one?"

"Um, well..." How could he possibly put this? "You remember that kid I was tutoring that we threw a birthday party for?" That was not at all how he wanted to put this. "Wait, no-!"

The silence in the TV world was deafening. Even the Shadows went silent as everything with a working mouth gaped.

Yosuke was pale. "Partner?"

"DUDE, HE'S NOT EVEN LEGAL!" Kanji finally sputtered out.

"I don't understand," Teddie watched his friends react with a puzzled look on his face, idly scratching his ears.

Yosuke sighed, as if he'd been anticipating this conversation. "Well, Ted, some guys like girls, and some of them-"

"I don't mean **that** ," Teddie clarified, "I mean, what's the big deal? Doesn't every guy have one? That's what you told me when I grew a body: 'Some guys are bigger than others'."

"They don't wave them around in public ON WHEELS!" said Chie. "And they're not bigger than Naoto-kun!"

"Ch-Chie-senpai!" Naoto could only pull her hat down so far before it came off her head. She caught Kanji appearing to size her up, and could only babble nervously as she turned and left the TV World.

"HAHAHAHA!"

"YUKIKO! STIFLE IT!" Chie advanced on Yu. "PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BACK RIGHT NOW!"

"Okay, okay!" Yu only had a few other cards, but they couldn't possibly be as bad as the penis chariot. He pulled out a card...and it read "Mara". Whoops. Another card...that also read "Mara"? _This isn't happening!_ "Just a minute!" he said shakily,

Rise was beginning to stir. "Mmm...I had the strangest dream," she murmured. When she opened her eyes, Yu vainly tried to leap in front of the overly-endowed Persona. "Okay – I must still be dreaming."

"This is definitely a nightmare," said Yu.

Yosuke continued to not help the situation. "You know, in about three more hours, you're probably gonna need to see a doctor."

Yukiko actually stopped laughing. "That's not very funny, Yosuke-kun," she said.

"I'm probably not gonna like the answer to this question, but uh...what does a dick with wheels Persona do?" asked Kanji.

Before Yu could stop himself, he blurted out, "Pierce attacks." He then clapped a hand over his mouth three seconds too late.

Chie actually _**growled**_. To Yu's horror, she began stretching in a familiar pattern.

" **NOPE**!" Kanji made for the exit TVs. "I'm gonna go find Naoto!" For once, Kanji actually did something smart, and hightailed it out of there – just missing the Galactic Punt to end all Galactic Punts.

"My Mara!" Yu squeaked, his voice cracking hilariously.

"Well, for once, it wasn't MY Mara," Yosuke can't help but add – ducking behind Teddie when he realized Chie was still limber and full of bloodlust.

The girls left the TV World, and the boys decided to let them cool off before following. Yu held his breath as he shuffled through his deck of Personas, and was relieved to find that they were once again varied.

"Well, at least you can still walk!" Yosuke got out one last joke as they emerged into Junes, "Not many people can say that after facing off against ol' Chie 'dick-kicking' Satonaka!" He studied Yu intently. "You really got that thing from your tutoring job?"

Yu shuddered. "He really _was_ a little prick."

* * *

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I just HAD to write this after looking up Tower Social Links. The Tower for Persona 4 is Shu, the little boy who's an insufferable genius kid with no friends. One of the first things you can say to him is, "You're a little prick, aren't you?"

It's also my headcanon that Mara has a personality of its own and refuses to leave quietly.

The "dog Persona" is Yatsufusa. wiki/Yatsufusa#Persona_4_2

I'm not sure having the Phantom Thieves also meet Mara would be funny at all, considering everything that happened with Kamoshida, so I don't know if I'll write a P5 chapter.


	9. Chapter 9: Stupid Cupid

I know it's a few months late, but I've been having trouble with the latest chapter of Shadowborne, and I wanted to post something AkiMitsu.  
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Akihiko never cared for February. Every year around this time, the entire school reeked of burnt chocolate. Nearly every girl in Gekkoukan High went apeshit for Valentine's Day, trying to snag an unsuspecting guy. As a third-year and captain of the boxing team, Akihiko was #1 on the Most Wanted List – and he _**hated**_ it. He hated chocolate. He hated the cheap perfume they doused their little love notes in (though it at least masked the smell of his shoes, he supposed). Most of all, he hated the fact that each and every year, Valentine's Day put those weird thoughts into his head.

He didn't need a girlfriend. He didn't have time! Between boxing and going to Tartarus every Dark Hour, his free time was extremely limited. His funds were also extremely limited, too. Girls expected you to pay for everything. You had to buy them flowers, stuffed animals – oh, and then there was White Day. Heaven help you if you didn't give back at least double what you got last month. This kind of grouchy attitude usually lasted until he got to Hagakure and saw all the couples cuddling, and vainly wondered what it was like.

Keeping himself occupied 24/7 did nothing to change the fact that Akihiko was still a man with hormones. Whenever he had a match, he'd fantasize about looking over the downed body of his opponent into the audience and meeting the eyes of his best girl cheering for him. Then he'd hop over the ropes and run down to scoop her into his arms triumphantly. She wouldn't really care that he was all sweaty. She was more concerned with his injuries – they were fewer these days, but they were still there. He was fine, but it would make her happy to nurse him back to health. She'd gently stroke his face...

Horrible screeching noises got Akihiko's attention and made him realize he was zoning out on the monorail. His fans had already begun converging around the car he was in. Why did girls have to be so annoying? Thank God Valentine's Day was a Sunday, and he didn't have to face them at school.

It was only the 11th, but a few enterprising first years had started early, leaving him stinky notes and stuff that even Koromaru wouldn't eat. Once upon a time, he used to read them. It was encouraging to think that the poor scraggly orphan wasn't the laughingstock of the entire school like he'd feared he would be. The glamour faded faster than the perfume, however, when he realized these girls only showed interest in him because he was cute and he was winning. The first time he lost a fight, the notes tapered off until his shoe locker was absolutely empty. Was he not cute anymore with a second place trophy? These days, he tossed them away without a second thought. None of these girls even cared to get to know him. They just wanted to be the envy of the school for snagging _Sanada-senpai! EEEEEEEEKKKK!_

How was he supposed to get a girl if they all damaged his eardrums? What he needed was someone who let **him** talk for a change, about things like training and protein. Miki and Shinji. He needed a girl who wasn't giggly or whiny when it came to physical exercise. Someone as tough as a guy while still being a girl. Someone like-

UGH!

There were those feelings again! Shinji would be pissing himself with laughter if he'd caught him actually considering Mitsuru a _**girl**_. Mitsuru was...Mitsuru. The idea of her leaping into Akihiko's arms made him laugh, too. Mitsuru didn't leap into anything except action. It didn't stop him from wondering if she, too, had these feelings from time to time.

Mitsuru had left so early this morning that even Akihiko hadn't been awake. Something was up with her, but she wasn't talking about it, and he was afraid to approach her. She was back to more-or-less-normal after her father's death – whatever Yukari did in Kyoto seemed to have done the trick – but she was more private now, even with him.

He'd expected Mitsuru to already be at school when he got there, but she came into the room shortly before class started with her head hanging down. That wasn't like her! There wasn't time to ask her about it now – he'd just have to catch her during lunch.

Well, **that** didn't work. The moment class ended, Akihiko was swarmed by girls hungry for something other than crab bread. Mitsuru had fled to the Student Council room. A year ago, she probably wouldn't have minded if he went and interrupted her, but now? Guess he'd just have to catch her at the dorm.

After unearthing his shoes from a mountain of love notes, Akihiko made a fruitless search of the school before heading home to wait. None of the juniors had seen Mitsuru come in, but she had to come back eventually...right?

He woke up several hours later realizing that he'd fallen asleep on the couch and just missed her. No one else would have covered him with a blanket. At least now he knew she wasn't angry at him. But what the hell was she doing that was so secret?

* * *

The rest of the week went the same way. Fashionable flies kept him from getting close to Mitsuru, and she had her own agenda she wasn't telling anyone about. A entire tree poured out of his locker each afternoon. Some of the chocolate had melted, and he scrambled to clean it out before it attracted ants. He was so frustrated that after school ended on Saturday, he dumped his stuff back at the dorm, went on an ill-advised run, and when he finally got back, crashed.

By the time he woke up, it was well into the next day – meaning he'd probably blown his chance to catch Mitsuru today as well. The dorm seemed deserted, so he headed towards the kitchen to see if there was anything he could scrounge up.

"A-Akihiko!" It was Mitsuru who managed to corner **him** , appearing out of nowhere to scare the shit out of him. "There you...are!" She was acting really strange...almost as if she was afraid to talk to him.

"Hey, long time no see." That only made her look guiltier. "You all right?"

"I suppose I need to apologize," Mitsuru began. Oh, boy. So it wasn't just his imagination saying Mitsuru was avoiding him. "I'm surprised you slept through it, but there was an...incident with the juniors today." An "incident", huh? "No one was injured, fortunately, but the kitchen suffered quite a few casualties."

"What the hell happened?"

"I'm told Yamagishi wanted to make some chocolates."

"...I don't know if I even need to hear the rest of this."

Mitsuru smirked, but it was a weird, nervous expression. "The thing is...I've had to replace most of the groceries...including your protein powder. Again, I apologize-"

"Aw, you didn't have to do that!" Was she really afraid he'd be angry with her?

"-because I realized once I arrived at the store that I'd completely forgotten which kind of protein you preferred, and so..."

A picture began to emerge, and Akihiko realized why Mitsuru was so anxious around him. "You just kinda swept your arm along the whole shelf and bought everything, didn't you?" he asked.

Mitsuru hung her head. "Yes," she mumbled.

Akihiko couldn't help but laugh. "Leave it to you," he managed to say. "Is that all you were worried about? Look, I'm just glad no one got hurt. And now I've got a lifetime's supply of protein, so it all worked out, huh?"

Mitsuru looked as if she was trying to be both relieved and insulted at the same time, which was unbelievably cute.

UGH!

"I-I suppose I'll leave you to your refreshments then." Mitsuru made to scamper off like a wild doe. "I have a few things I need to take care of now that this is settled." She left as quickly as she appeared. Girl or no girl, Mitsuru was really hard to understand some times.

He found the new protein in the cupboard and after shaking it up, realized it was flavored with something. It was the same kind he'd tried to get the kids on the boxing team to try when they'd turned their noses up at the plain kind of protein. Imagine not seeing the benefits of protein after a match! No wonder they went down easy!

He was so busy reminiscing that he didn't notice Junpei come in. "Hey, you're alive, Senpai! Heh-heh, figured you'd be hiding out until Monday."

"Don't remind me! I'm not looking forward to going back to school." Akihiko took another swig of his protein shake and grimaced. "Man, why'd she have to get the chocolate-flavored one?" Junpei suddenly sputtered and began laughing. "What?"

"Did Mitsuru-senpai buy you that?" he asked.

"Yeah, something about an accident Fuuka caused in the kitchen destroyed all the old stuff."

"That's funny, I don't know anything about a kitchen accident."

She lied to him? **Mitsuru** _ **lied?**_

Junpei had an eerie grin on his face. "You know what day it is today, Akihiko-senpai?"

"Well, I slept through most of it, but...Sunday?"

"And what's the date?"

Oh, shit.

Junpei shook his head, laughing as he left the kitchen with the instant noodles he'd came for. "Senpai just gave you chocolate on Valentine's Day, dude."

Shinji would have loved the spit take Akihiko just did.

Maybe...maybe she really **WAS** a girl?

* * *

Mitsuru had hightailed it up the stairs as fast as she could, embarrassment beginning to stain her delicate features. He couldn't have believed her. It was all so far-fetched, and she would just have to _**kill**_ Yukari...

Yukari was waiting for her on the third floor landing. "Did it work?" she said.

Mitsuru felt herself blushing even more, and struggled to control it. "Possibly." She sunk into a chair. "I really must apologize to Yamagishi."

"Oh, I'm sure Fuuka will understand." Yukari patted her arm. Then she smirked. "You could always name your first kid after her!"

"YUKARI!" Now there was no hiding the redness of her face. Mitsuru thought for certain that she would just melt into a horrified puddle right then and there.

From below them, they heard Iori come up the stairs, laughing. "I betcha it worked," said Yukari.

"Now what do I do?" Mitsuru had never been this nervous before, not even when reciting her speech to the entire student body.

"He's got to come back upstairs sometime, right? When he does, just tell him that you did it on purpose because you like him."

"UGH!" That was all it took to send Mitsuru fleeing to the solitude of her room.

Yukari doubled over with laughter. Whoever said seniors were more mature? Then she had a thought, and went downstairs to the second floor. "Hey, Junpei! You're not going to believe this..."

* * *

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February 14, 2010 was a Sunday.


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